I seem to be breathing through water today, but the strange thing is that my throat and my lungs don’t hurt at all. I know I have a chest cold that is for sure as I am clearly not well beyond normal, but all the discomfort that normally goes with it just isn’t there, so maybe when doctors say there is nothing they can do for the common cold maybe they might consider something within my cocktail, mind you morphine might just be one step to far. I realized last night as I once again piled myself in to bed at 9 pm and was drifting off, that I may just have to be a little more careful, I haven’t had a cold for years and one that is blinded by my meds could just put me in danger of it settling in my chest and getting worse, without my knowing. I had pneumonia years ago just after I had my hysterectomy, they said that was because I was too immobile, well I have little choice I sleep more than the half of the day, and sit in the same place for the rest of it. Add in that Morphine which causes shallow breathing, as I have noticed myself, and there is another thing on my list of be a little more careful. I remembered last night to take my meds a little later, which isn’t easy, when you feel crap you want to take them, waiting that extra half hour is harder than your think. I did feel just that touch better this morning so am going to push it another half hour tonight. There is no reason why I should take it when I was other than habit, I no longer start my day at 4 am and I haven’t done for years, so why work my meds to go with that time table, habit is really the only reason left, but we are all creatures of that.
As always yesterday I was struggling with concentration, it seems to be worse over the last few days but I suspect that has something to do with my cold, nothing is ever straight forward as I said a couple of days ago. We all get wooly headed with a cold add in some fog to go with it and there is instant fun. I used to always think that it was my physical problems that I would be most frustrated with, but some how I have adapted to what I can and can’t do, I even don’t really bother any longer if I drop things or stumble, even fall, but let my brain let me down and I get so mad with it that I probably make it worse. We all expect our minds to do today everything it has done every other day or our lives, add more information in to it and still pull out the old when needed. But when it won’t do those thing, when it just sits there like a useless lump of jelly, without any use other than filling the space between our ears, believe me it isn’t just annoying, it really is the worst possible thing that can happen to you. A while ago I was at a stage where not remembering actually had it’s good points as it removed some of that frustration, you can’t be frustrated when you can’t remember what it was about. This though is different, this is turning into anger at myself for being useless in my eyes, my standards for me are being attacked and I am failing. We always are our own hardest critics and I am clearly that right now. My attention span was so bad that I kept finding myself getting bored in the middle of anything, playing games for 15 mins, then writing for 10 before answering tweets for the next 15, never staying on just one thing for any real length of time and then shifting off somewhere else just because it was there, often realizing that I had a goal I was meant to be completing and once again I wasn’t doing them, sometimes I wasn’t doing anything, just sitting staring at a screen showing me where I last was. Loosing your own mind is a difficult thing to understand, no one out there knows what you could once do, it is only yourself that can do that, but with gaps appearing and disappearing, how do you map it’s progress and can you even be sure what you are mapping. I wish there was a simple set of tests that you could do free on line where they would store results and you could repeat when ever you wanted for no other reason than peace, as I would rather know my progress than guess at it.
I made yet another start to writing my book yesterday, well it was another thing I could jump in and out of, at this rate it will never be written. I have so many first couple of chapters that my folder looks as though I should have all of it there. I just don’t seem to be able to get things in the right order and keep as much of the rest of my life outside of my illness balanced with the facts I want in there. I can’t separate them as one attempt was, as I am not a medical person and I don’t really want to write just a medical book, I want to be more like my blog but with order rather than rambles, easier said than done, and more details than I have put in here to date. It is a hard balance to strike. Life is always a balance I suppose, but it is one that we don’t think consciously about at the time, we just do it and that it what I want my be book to feel like to the reader, but with facts where they belong. I managed to write for a couple of hours yesterday and I haven’t read it back yet but right now at this second I am happier than I have been with any other start. No promises but this could really be it.