The Degrees of ill.

For a very long time I have lucky and I have managed to steer away from colds and any of the bugs that Adam must bring home with him, this morning I think my luck has run out and I have the start of a cold. It’s not a normal cold as in a bad cough or blowing my nose all the time, I just feel clammy and totally off from my normal self. I managed yesterday afternoon to set my alarm incorrectly and I slept for 6 minutes short of 3hours when Adam came to wake me, knowing that I wouldn’t be happy at having slept for so long, he was right and I wasn’t but I woke with a great desire to roll over and go back to sleep, I managed to make it through to about 8:30 and then had to give in, tired to the point that my head hit the pillow in silence. I woke briefly for a few minutes around 6am, as I was having trouble breathing, once cleared sleep returned without any problem. The alarm was a nasty surprise that I really didn’t want to have to react to, I knew all too well that if I didn’t’ get up and move myself into the living room ready to wake Adam as he had gone back to sleep as always, I then become his second alarm, as without me, he would be late most mornings. It’s now three hours past that point of forcing myself into another day and still I want just one thing, more sleep. The symptoms of a cold seem to be nothing but the cold sweats but I know there is something going on, cold or something else.

It is strange how we adapt to what life gives us, I used to have like everyone else to states in life, well and ill, plain and simple, now I have OK, MS ill and other ill, with thousands of shades in between, shades that unless you have a chronic illness are hard to explain, but everyone actually live with, without knowing. Once you know that you have a problem with say your left foot, you notice all the things that happen daily but with a problem, is that part of what is wrong or is this something else, or is it some thing that happens everyday of my life but I just hadn’t noticed until now. If I was to ask you to concentrate on your left foot and write down all the things that you feel through it and from it, I know you would be surprised by what you are left with and just how much that foot actually feels all the time. We simply don’t notice as well they are normal, but are they, can you say 100% that that day was normal, starting to see what I mean. With there being things wrong with every part of me, I need to know how to scale the way each bit feels. I need to know what is normal and what isn’t, otherwise how do I know if it has changed or is the same. It has become a case of a scale for every toe, finger, eyelid, kidney, finger and so on. I need to know is it MS or something else, what it felt like 30 years ago, as that is probably the last time I felt normal, I need to be able to set it in on two scales, MS and none MS and on top of that is it something that needs attention or not. There is little point my saying I feel ill, big news I always feel ill, see it isn’t enough. I could write it all down to MS apart from one thing and that is I feel clammy, that is not an MS symptom, everything else I feel today could be just an upwards flare of MS but the clamminess tells me it isn’t.

It is days like this that prove to me how much it is needed to have somewhere that tells you what are all things that belong in the umbrella of MS or any other illness. Medical sites stick tightly to only listing the main symptoms, the ones that most with that illness will experience, but there are loads of other symptoms not spoken about, because they are too horrific or to rare to mention, accept if you happen to be living with them. I was delighted this morning when someone I know from Twitter first said that they had started blogging as they were inspired by me, something that I know a few others have also taken up because of reading my blog, but I was even more delighted when they said they had also been inspired to be totally honest and open. That meant so much more, that words are a little difficult even for me to find to explain it. It is like I have achieved something momentous that I didn’t even know I wanted to do, as it is such a major change in a person to inspire, that I am totally humbled by. I favorited the tweet and ran away, as I could find nothing to explain how pleased I was in so many different ways. It was also the lift I needed as I was really feeling rather sorry for myself, another proof it is a cold, it is the only condition I have ever found that makes you feel that way.