Finding a gift.

So lets see how is the body today, well tired, no surprise there neither in the fact that both legs are hurting. Sounds like no change then, well yes and no, it is now 8 days since my Endoscopy and I have at last been to the loo for the first time, I was a little shocked as it was seconds from waking I had to rush to the loo. If this had been the next morning I would have understood, but it’s 8 days and I passed almost pure water, as I had when I was drinking that pre Endoscopy gunk. A somewhat surprising result but that is how it was, something that I suppose I have to remember to pass on as a fact to the Docs when I go to see them next, no appointment yet but I doubt I will hear until mid Jan anyway. I really don’t understand my body as something like that has no sense behind it, surely you would have thought that my bowel would have got rid of that last Saturday not a week on, I suppose that I will just have to wait and see what happens next.

I am starting to find that all the waiting for appointments and the not knowing what is going on is starting to get to me. I just wish they would get on with it and give me peace. I have always been against staying in hospital for anything that I don’t have to, but I can now see the advantages of being an in patient, all these investigations would be done in a few days and by the time you left you would have an answer. A bit like it was when I got my diagnosis for my MS, that was a three day stay, then a weeks wait and all the answers where there and we were able to get on with everything else as well. This has been a wait and wait more process and not one single step closer than we where at the start. I can’t but help wondering how many people actually land up being an emergency admission, just because they have become worse during all the waiting. I know that some would say that I have the time to wait as well what else do I do, but that actually makes it worse. When you are working and there the normal activities of life, waiting for a letter to arrive is a lot easier to handle.

I was thinking the other day about Christmas and the fact that we really don’t have the money to buy gifts for any member of the family at all and I had a great idea. I find receiving a gift, especially when I can not actually give, a hard thing to handle and I also know that when I ask for no gifts to be given to me, no one listens. They may not listen when I say don’t give me, but they always ask what I want, so this year I will again say I want nothing, but if they really want to give me something, then what I would like is for them to, in my name, work for at least an hour during one of the three days of Christmas, at one of the homeless shelters. It will be interesting to see what they do. I actually think that as a present it would be a wonderful gift, although I am not and never have been homeless, I see my position as caught inside a home I can’t leave, as the almost the opposite of my situation, they have no home and no way into one. At this time of year and with so many more out there homeless than there has ever been before, that any help that can be given is worth more than any physical gift this year.

I do know myself that not having the money to buy gifts and not the decsteritry to sit for the hours I use to decorating and garnishing their gifts, is a hard thing for me to accept. Christmas was to me the time of year that I could give to those I love things they wouldn’t have bought themselves, but would love. The decoration was the final show of my love as I took the time to show it in each sprinkle of glitter, string of beads, and twisted bow. MS has taken all of that away so now I want to give in another way, I want to give to those who need the attention and I can only give it in my name as I can’t get there myself.