Crossing a milestone

After yesterdays conversation with the bank I had to make another call and that was to the Doctors about the pain control issue that might occur on Thursday. My own doctor is on holiday so I had to talk to the other partner, I was ready for a struggle but to my total surprise I had no problems at all, there is a prescription on it’s way to me right now for liquid morphine. I am to take my meds as normal but she agreed that there was a real possibility that I would need more pain control as my normal meds might well be flushed out of my body. It was when I came off the phone I found myself feeling really strange about what had just happened. I had gone into the call ready for a fight to get anything, but there wasn’t a second of argument in the whole call, she said yes straight away and was totally helpful. I found it rather upsetting. I wasn’t looking for a fight but it was the fact that she didn’t hesitate and offered a fast action morphine without any thought about it, it was conformation that I didn’t need, I am really ill.

I know that sounds silly but we all kid ourselves when it comes to our own health and someone jumping in and offering me a high level painkilling drug in a form not normally handed out with ease, was like saying your are incredibly ill and you need this now! I like everyone, ill or healthy, live in our own little bubble that is our normality, if my bubble had a label on it saying incredibly ill, I would be acting that way and as you know I don’t. My bubble says, your fine get on with as much life as you can, my bubble was popped, by kindness and honesty! It is not the first time the medics have taken a sharp needle to my health bubble but just as in the past it is difficult to handle because of the past. I spent so many years trying to get a doctor, any doctor, to listen and to understand that I was ill and all dismissed me as a hypochondriac. To find myself being handed without even a seconds hesitation what I need, is still hard to accept and strange to find that doctors don’t only believe me, but are now quick to help me.

If you are an able bodied healthy person you might find my reaction a little odd but it is yet another point in my learning to live this way. I have just had someone confirm I am really ill, when I feel no worse at this second than I did when they said it, and I am fine. It is another milestone, like the day I was told I had to have a wheelchair, a milestone saying you are more ill, than you want to admit. I always thought that people who would be given morphine were near deaths door, then I was given it, but in very controlled measures, now I have been given it with a take as much as you need to get through. When I spoke to Adam about it last night he said the obvious, I am not the patient who calls them every few days demanding things I don’t need. He is right, but I never have been that patient and I have had that treatment. I feel right at this second that some how the NHS are turning my life upside down, all the doctors are listening and they are all trying to help, it all rather odd and difficult to get my head round. What next?

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