The problem of progression

I am sure some of you may have picked up yesterday on what my thinking was, I needed to do a little more research and yes I wanted to talk to Adam about it, which we did last night. I am wondering rightly or wrongly if I am loosing control in my speech center. From what I know now it is possible. I wasn’t sure if your speech center just dealt with your words and talking or if it also dealt with the understanding of others and it does. It has been a slow process over many years that my speech has slowly slipped to where it is now, until about 3 months ago it had stayed in a rather level position and then suddenly it started to get worse and worse, at the same time, I started to notice that I didn’t always understand what was being said to me. Now that I spent yesterday reading what ever I could find on line about it, I believe that it is a reasonable conclusion to come to. I also know totally that it is linked strongly to my concentration, if I am distracted that is when despite trying to multitask as in writing and listening, then I loose the detail of what is being said and it turns into something I can’t understand. So it is something I need to keep eye on but not worry about.

That appears to be what is happening all over me in the past few months, old symptoms getting slowly worse and being joined by new ones that slot in beside the old ones. Progression is as I think I said before a hard thing to actually really measure until there is a big change. That doesn’t mean that nothing is happening in the mean time, it is, but too slow on a daily bases to be able to measure. The form of MS I have is really odd as clearly I still have flares and they throw everything up in the air and I have no idea what is going to be the final outcome. But in a strange way, flares are easier to handle than this slow, bitty, not measured and not clear slip. Flares may seem dramatic and unstable but they usually only last a few days or weeks and then they settle down, leaving behind a battle field that parts heal and parts remain as damaged for all time, but they end!

Progression leaves me with this long list of that bit and this bit and no idea at what point I have to reach, to be able to say it is worse to a significant point. For those who have Relapse Remitting MS on the main they recover as it say they go into remission, my remission is progression onwards and downwards, without any true improvement. So instances like this week where I make a new note on my list, are all part of the game, it is just that I know ultimately it is a game I will loose. there are days when I can look aback on the whole 5 nearly 6 years of being housebound I have slipped a long way but I actually think now that the fact I lost my left hand, and I couldn’t use my wheelchair, was a blessing in disguise. Yes things have got a lot worse, but I am now sure that if that hadn’t happened when it did, I would now be a lot worse. The stress of everyday life was destroying me at a ridiculous speed, removing that stress clearly made a difference, if that hadn’t happened I have little doubt that I would have been in a condition where sitting here still enjoying my life may well have been impossible.

So my list grew, so what, it wasn’t unexpected or even unpredictable, I just wait now to discover what next.