On the up

I am doing well today at what I am not sure as I keep forgetting but I feel up and that is good. I remember having a clear plan this morning of what my day was going to hold but I lost it somewhere along the way. I managed the shower and hair wash and I am up to time with all the normal things but I know there is something missing, something that was clear when I got up but just 3 hours on, I’m lost. I often have days like this, so not knowing where I am and where I am meant to be, isn’t new by any stretch of my imagination but I can say clearly that it is a good day for one reason and one reason alone. I don’t care that I haven’t a clue about anything! I know I have mentioned before that I frequently thing that my forgetting is a strange twisted gift, as well, if you can’t remember, you can’t tell yourself off for not doing something.

Despite feeling good about today I know that last night I had the same thing going on, as when Adam came home I know there was something I wanted to talk to him about, but I couldn’t remember and like this morning I didn’t care, it was just this strange little voice in the back of my mind, edging me on all the time saying “you have to talk to him about…..”. I still don’t have the slightest idea what it was about, and I am still not worried in the slightest by it. If only I could select the things I forget, life could be very different in deed.

I have what might sound a little odd but I have sort of fantasied view of my future life, I know that everything that is wrong with me now is only going to get worse, but in my fantasy I will have a future with a mix of yesterday topic and today’s. I see a life where I sleep a lot, but when awake forgetting all about wasting my life in bed and totally not worried about getting absolutely nothing done, combined with this nice happy feeling. It feels strange looking forward to a life of totally not caring and sleep, but out of all the possibilities it sounds really good. I of course also have a worst case scenario as well of being locked inside a body raked with pain and no way of telling anyone, if there was a choice system it would be easy.

Recently I have been in this position of feeling good from somewhere deep inside more frequently, and it is a welcome break from just pain, it’s not as thought the pain has gone but it just somehow doesn’t matter as much. Like most things thought I question it’s source, nothing happens for no reason and there has to be one. The only one that makes sense is that my endorphin levels has been raised, for that to happen my body has to be reacting towards something, but what? I can’t help questioning everything these days, with so many problems going on physically I constantly questions myself, what is that pain, what origin of my body is there, why have I suddenly gone numb and so it goes on. Getting an answer to any of them would be nice, to all of them amazing! I know the NHS moves really slowly, but it is getting to me a little as it is now about 8 months from my first asking for help, to still not having an answer or a solution. Unfortunately to date I haven’t managed to forget about any of that, but that’s life, things rarely go as you want them to.