I realised over the weekend that Christmas is again crashing towards us are full speed. I used to love Christmas so much as I love all the decorating and giving or presents, everyone always told me I went OTT but I gained huge pleasure in doing so. My home would be decorated beyond most, with three Christmas trees, one in the living room, one in the hall and the third in the kitchen, all decorated in a traditional style. All our mirrors took on the look of flattened trees, with drapes of beads, tinsel and artificial greenery and flowers. I have boxes and boxes of decoration including I know over 400 baubles, and over 500 lights for the main tree alone, of which not one came out last year, as I expect the same will be true this year.
It was me that always did all the work and the designing of each years display, the one year that Adam did the work on his own I was simply frustrated watching what he was doing and found myself moving things when he wasn’t there. Stretching to reach the top of a 12 foot tree, is another thing that I really don’t need, as I know 100% that I would not be able to just leave it alone. It has been suggested that it could be scaled down, but that to me would be worse than not doing it at all, I am just one of those people who have to have things done properly or just don’t do it at all. On top of that I don’t think is fair to be putting on to Adam, what used to take me 3 days full of work to just get it all done, and another full day to wrap and decorate the presents. It may appear to be just a small thing not being able to have the Christmas I always loved, but it is another thing that is now ticked off as gone due to MS.
There are so many what may seem like small things that illness changes and or takes away, my life now and my life 7 yrs ago have little to no similarities, you don’t really notice most of them as they are so slow in happening but drip by drip, bit by bit everything changes. I think if I wrote up the lists of things done for practical life reasons and things done for enjoyment for each time period it would be hard to see that they were the lists of the same person. When change happens slowly it is in many ways easier to deal with as you don’t see it happening, Christmas is different as it is a marked point in the year by everyone and difficult to ignore. I have spent Christmas too many times on my own and those Christmas’s were the ones when my home showed little sign of the festivities of the year, so my over the top Christmas was far more than just the time of year, it was also a celebration of having others in my life to share it with. I accept life changes but it is one of those occasions that has so much more behind it than just what others might see on the surface.
Being stuck here inside myself has actually taught me that the surface things of life are not as important as we think, what is important and often missed is what is inside. I have learned that I have to be what I am at that time, rather than what I would choose to be, and well the outside of me and my surroundings aren’t as important as I once thought them to be. Life hasn’t ended because I can’t go outdoors, nor will it end because I can’t be picky and fussy about one day in the year. Last year there were no decorations and the day came and went and I still loved it, but in a different way and this year will be the same. The important things of a good Christmas are simple, sharing the day with the person I love and taking the time to make it special for both of us.