I have noticed something in the last few days that has made me smile to myself and even go as far as the odd snigger. I hadn’t noticed this but I guess like many other things it has sneaked up on my slowly, but I seem to now have long complex conversations with myself in my mind. I know we all do it to some extent but I now hold and rehearse constantly, the less able I am to put those words out there the more I am running madly around in my head trying to make up for it. It is the strangest thing to know that I can think and say in my head just what I really want to come out of my mouth and it just doesn’t happen. I never thought that loosing my unthought ability to talk would be like this, I some how thought that the stutters and lapses would be there in my head just as they are there when I talk. I thought that I would have as much trouble in finding the word spoken or thought, I mean how come when you are talking can the words disappear yet when the same conversation runs in my mind every word arrive in order when needed and without gaps. It is a crazy way to live your life. I have even wondered if I would be better when it comes to anything that is important that I don’t try to talk, that I write it all down and hand my notes over as that way I can prove I am not the idiot I sound. I suppose there will be many more discoveries and odd things to happen to me as time moves forward, the good things is though I have this purpose of writing how they feel and what they really are like to live with.
I am once again having great problems with my left leg there is pain down the whole length from hip to toe. It is always hard to know what to do with it when it is like this, it is a case that if I stretch it one part hurts if I pull it back to a seated position a different part hurts, a true no win situation. On the good side this morning, unlike last night, I am not wishing someone would come and chop it off. If that had been carried out on wish I would long ago had no limbs at all, it has been I admit a common thought screaming back as loudly as the pain screamed at me, no one means that type of wish as in reality it is a wish just to get the pain under control. I have accepted now that I will never have a day without pain ever again in my life, my life is different levels of pain and it appears that no one can do anything about that in any way or shape or form.
There is one pain that I find scary and I suppose the reasons for that are simple but I frequently get spells of pain in the side of my head and face. I suppose I worry as there is always that worry that it isn’t a nerve but a stroke of some kind. Because of the mobility issues that MS cause it is easy to imagine that it is just limbs that cause pain but it isn’t. I used to get a lot more pain in my head and face than I do now, but when it is there it is normally a hard one to deal with. Unlike a limb that you can rub or stick your figures into deeply to break the pain, when pain is a flashing nerve over the surface of your scull, or a long constant pain, there is no flesh there to really work on. If the pain is inside your scull there is nothing at all that can be done. It is not just pain but numbness that can take over one side of my head, spreading forward to the mid line of my nose, that to is concerning, as well, it feels as thought the muscles are sagging as they do when you have an anesthetic and as I would imagine again with a stroke, but a quick check in a mirror shows all is fine. Numbness is always a strange thing to deal with, a dental anesthetic is really the best description of how it feels as parts of you just disappear, it might just be a small isolated area of even a whole foot, but when a tennis ball sized area suddenly vanishes there is nothing that can be done other than hope it will return. It adds interest to a day as well you never know what next is going to happen, will my leg work, will I be able to feel my fingers, what will happen on any one day. The truth of MS is that it effects everything, there is no part of your body inside or out that it will not play with when ever it feels like it. As I said variety, but in this case I’d rather have dull normal.