Last night I found myself going over and over the same question in my mind, probably a question we all ask ourselves at times and probably one we should ask more often, “Who am I”. Having declared so strongly just a few days ago that “I am still in here”, it suppose it was the logical question to follow it. I don’t think in my life I have ever set out to be anyone in particular, past the same goals of wanting to be a wife, a mother, a friend and a family member, the simplest goals of anyone’s life. Along that road I became many other things, a sales person, a manager, a DJ, a disabled person and some how now an inspiration for others, not one of them were ever in front of me as a goal, they just happened. But I had ambition to continue my career to, learn more and grow in my business abilities, to stretch beyond the abilities I had and increase my salary to improve our lives. Right now I have lost many of the things I wanted from life, the freedoms and rights that I thought would be mine for the rest of my life, suddenly those freedoms are gone and I am where I never gave a second thought to when I was young. Becoming disabled is so easy a thing to pretend only ever happens to other people, to strangers as well, well it couldn’t happen to you or your family, you are good people, hard working, loving everything you have been told you need to be to lead a good life, no it could never happen to you. Oh yes it can!
So who am I now? Well I am the wife and the mother I thought I would be, but even there I am not either of them in the way I believed it would be. A wife is a someone who is there are a lover, a person to share the trials of life and the joys of the good as well. A wife is a homemaker, a cook, a cleaner, a giver and more, not one of these things feel as though any but their title applies. I can’t bake the bread or care for my home, I can’t fix and repair, or garnish our house with the extra’s that change it into a home. A mother is a care giver, the guide and the shoulder to cry on, the person who is there to boost and reassure when needed and the individual who helps in what ever their child may need. Yes I can still fill some of those roles but limited by my ability to reach my baby and help her, especially now when she is facing so many problems and joys. Both roles feel so much that they have become titles with no substance, as I physically can fulfill the requirements, the job speck that comes with them is far from being fulfilled.
So who am I now? I have become the patient, the experimental Guinea pig, to prod, watch and test, to learn more from and tick boxes on a list. I am here as a novelty not seen by many doctors, one that allows them to build knowledge and experience, while faining sympathy and empathy as they don’t have a clue. Someone to pat on the head and send away with some new tablet to try, as well, you never know, it might work better than the last. I am the person they can’t help, so they don’t really want to see me, as I am a reminder of there inability to cure.
So who am I now? I am the disabled person who is stuck in my home, who couldn’t escape if there was a fire, who never see the outside world past the view from my window. I am the annoying little voice on Twitter who shouts all the time telling the world that they have to listen, not because I am anything different but because I am one of many who no one knows is there. I send out messages of hope, of love, words to inspire and to amuse, I am the one who finds pictures of animals and cute babies to smile at. I am the person who reminds you that the world is filled with others like me. I am the one that won’t let you forget, who will nag and remind, who will plant real life in front of you in the place you go to escape. I am the women who has live a life and refuses to stop living it. I am the person who shows you all of life’s nasty tricks and the truth of living in a world of pain and confusion. I force you to listen I pull you into my world and I expose the nasty truth of how it can all go so wrong. Who’s body refuses to complete the simplest of things, as it seems to forget that the loos in the bathroom. Who’s forgets to eat, to wash or to change, who has no memory of what needs doing or how it is done. I am the body the wonders around looking at everything a new everyday with memories of 20 years ago but unsure of yesterday. I am person who watches minute by minute for a message on Twitter to tell me the world is still there. The person who will in ten minutes time ask “So who am I now”.