I am starting to really feel the house being colder but I am still holding off the idea of putting the heating on. I have always been aware of the amount of electric and gas we use but it is worrying me now more than any other cost that we have to cover now that I am not working, I normally love winter and opening the curtains to see the world white with either snow or just frost, so far I have seen it only once, but this time it filled me with dread. Illness eats into so many small corners, what was once a simple joy is now a fear to be dealt with. I suppose much of my life could be seen that way, especially from the casual observer, but it is a million miles better than most think. I was asked this morning how I dealt with the really bad days, if I was totally honest I would say the simplest answer is that I deal with just as any other day, they start, I write, I read, I eat, I sit and I sleep, what changes is the time spent doing each and the speed each thing is done. I have like others that I now know, wasted time telling myself I will put that off until tomorrow, as tomorrow will be better, it is simply a case of kidding myself, yes tomorrow might be better, but it will never be again good. As long as I can find inside me, that feeling that life is still worth living then I am good and I go on. It is a belief, something you can’t be taught, it comes from inside and I believe that life is good. I don’t know what will be or if it will ever arrive a point that I will loose that belief or what I will feel if it did disappear, that is something that for now I can’t answer.
I find it hard when others want me to answer in a few words what it is that makes me still able to say I am happy and I can live this strange life that I find myself locked in. I worry that maybe I will say the wrong thing for that individual, as I don’t think there is a blanket one size fits all answer to any question like that. It may sound glib but I am happy because I am. If I asked you to analyses why you feel today is a good day or why last night you wanted to have a few glasses of wine, or why you love your partner, they are things that giving a concise and true answer to is impossible, because there is never one thing it is a mix of so many small things that make all of them what they are. Being happy is no different, nor are the other things everyone want answers to, I am what I am for more reasons that I expect I can even think of.
There are loads of things that I believe would truly help others to manage their illnesses and they are all written here in different posts, but the biggest one is here in this post and that is the belief that life is still good, that there is more than enough happiness to keep the balance tipped in favour of living and living with hope that life will remain good. You simply have to believe.