Control of me

I took sometime yesterday to sit and think through what happens now, it is clear that somethings have to change as I really am getting worse and worse when it comes to all the cognitive issues. I haven’t spoken to Adam about this yet and I know he will read this tonight but I am hoping to find the spot to talk this evening when he comes home. Why I didn’t sit and talk to him last night, I don’t know, that in itself is an example of what is wrong, I could have talked I just didn’t do it. I am just not doing things that I know I have to. It is almost as thought I am not doing anything other than sitting here on my PC, not because I don’t want to. or I don’t know I need to do things, but they just don’t happen. Take phoning to book an ambulance to take me to the hospital, I just stopped right now and did it, I have had 2 months in which to make that booking and although I wrote about it yesterday and I spoke to Adam about it, I didn’t actually do it.

I used to be so totally organised in life, everything was planned and ready long before it was needed so to me this is completely alien, the phone call is just an example and I have to say probably a bad one. I am going to take a deep breath now and make a painful admission, I am also avoiding all the daily things. I often now don’t shower for a couple of days or so, partly because it is an exhausting proses and partly as I have done nothing to get me into a condition that needs showering, so I just don’t do it, not the worst thing I know, but the next bit is. A few weeks ago I could smell something and I couldn’t work out what it was, I couldn’t find anything at first, it took me two days of checking and fixing different things with no real result, then I found it. When I had been showering I hadn’t dried myself properly, there is a fold of skin that was caused when I had my hysterectomy. Ever since it was formed I have had to care for it and I haven’t been. What I was smelling was my own rotting skin, it was raw and weeping. I had felt nothing and if I hadn’t smelt it, well I could have been in trouble, I actually don’t remember when I did last pay it the attention that I know it needs, even now I haven’t done anything since I was sure it was cleaned and healed, once again I have been ignoring it. I could probably sit here and go through a long list of the things I should do that I haven’t. I know Adam is well aware that I forget to eat and he checks all the time that I have, not that a few days without food would do me any harm, but short of him sitting with a check list and going through it with me each day, I don’t see how to get control of all of this.

I don’t want to be treated as a child, but I for the life of me I don’t know how to get round this muddle that is appearing. On the surface anyone would be forgiven for thinking that I am coping doing all my daily tasks, the truth is that in the main, my way of coping is to simply not do it, and then totally forget about it, job done. This was all part of what happened a the other night when I screamed in my head “I am still here” I am not just loosing the things I wrote about the other day, I am also loosing the ability to look after myself when and how I should. This is in some ways harder to admit because I find it repulsive that I could have let my personal care fall so far, that my skin was rotting with no real reason behind it. One thing I do know is that it isn’t laziness, it is just the same as loosing concentration in what I am doing, I just forget to do any of it, distracted by everything and nothing. None of this is me and I can’t without giving up all control see away of sorting it. When your mind has slipped so far that it is content to be the total opposite of what it has always been, how do you fix it. I know what is wrong, I can say I will get it all fixed right now and by tonight I will still have done nothing and be totally unfazed by it all. I have lost control.

I can’t explain in any other way why all this has happened, other than to say I forget, but that doesn’t really describe it at all. If you forget you put it right when you remember, but I might not remember for days because life and exhaustion is my distraction. This is why I need to talk to Adam tonight, I need to work out with him away of getting even these simple things sorted before something I “forget” actually does me some real harm. This isn’t going to be easy.