Sometime in life it is good to sit and just reassess where you are going and what you have done so far. All to often it is one of those things we don’t do, it is all to easy to not really think about life but just keep going, with the odd grumble but no action. I know that I never planned for the distant future, in fact I didn’t plan past the next payday, as that was how I measured everything. Was there enough to make the next pay day, did I have the money to do it there and then or would I put it off until the next pay day. I suspect that that is how most of us really live, some might have a slightly longer term view and maybe saved up for items or activities they want to own or do, but that isn’t thinking about life, that is thinking about wants and needs.
Assessing your life is a totally different activity, assessing life is actually assessing yourself as a person, yes with wants and needs but also as a person with values and desires, a person with ability and drive, a person who isn’t made by money but by what we have done and hope to do. I don’t think I actually truly ever assessed my life in detail until my life was shattered by the news that my future was now laid out in front of me as disabled person. That news is the kind of thing that forces you to go to places you didn’t even know existed before, and to really think about what you are going to do with the time you have as a capable person. You would think that I would have had the sense to have made better financial plans but my lack of getting that right I now know was totally down to denial. Moving house, setting up savings and so on what admitting that I didn’t have a normal life a head of me measured in 10s of years but measured in 10s of months. I don’t now totally blame myself for that error, as discussed before I didn’t find anything in the things I read that lead me to truly admit that this was where my life was heading, so why would I plan for it.
From the first time that I remember sitting thinking about what was happening to me and how I was going to handle it, I made a decision that I wanted to lead as normal a life as I could. I know some might decide that they are going out there to do everything that they had ever thought of doing while they could and before it was to late, I didn’t feel that way. I actually didn’t have a list of things to do before I die, far less one of things to be before I can’t. It might be something some want to do but I am not sure why I am a person content with the is. Some might see that as a person without ambition or drive, but I was and am both of those. There is a big difference in being happy now, than a dismissal of the now, for tomorrow. My assessment of me at the time and actually now is very simple one, I am a person who just wants to be happy and make those around me happy, who ever they were or are. No matter how deeply I look at my past and what I want from my future, it is still the same, that one simple desire. I can’t be sure but I have often wondered it that is way I cope so well with the now, because I don’t have outlandish list of things I can’t do. I don’t sit ever making myself feel bad because I can’t do something.
All those that I have come across who find it hard to adjust to their new future have all had a huge list of the things they can’t do any longer, and they are bitter about the lose of each and every one of those lost things. I find that thought process impossible, I simply can’t see my life that way, no matter how hard I try. What I can’t do now, I celibate the fact that I once did it, and enjoy what I can still do. I am convinced that that is why I can sit here day in day out doing the same thing, as to me it is a joy that today I actually managed to do the same as yesterday. There are too many out there, able bodied as well as disabled, that see that as boring and just not enough, I ask enough what? For some I know my way of thinking might be totally alien but I feel sure that if they could work on it, they would in time become happier. I am content in my world as I expect nothing more of it than I have right this second. If I loose some ability, that is sad for a moment but I still have everything else.
Looking in to my future, well I have learned that my decision long ago to just be happy is for me the best way to look at it. There is no point in my making plans to do this or do that, as I might wake in the morning not being able to do any of it. Yes I have plans, short term plans of things to do, but I also no longer beat myself up if I don’t manage to do them. From time to time I do sit and I assess where I am and what I can and can’t do but I always end up with the same thought, I am happy and as long as I can say that, what more do I need.