Shopping day again, it seems to come round so quickly although it is once a fortnight not weekly. I am just waiting to hear the van outside and the noise of sliding doors, followed by clanging sounds as the green plastic boxes hit the pavement. I always hear it long before the door bell rings ,and to an extent I even know which delivery guy is outside by the noises I hear, it strange how we learn these things, like when waiting for a friend to arrive we jump at the sound of a car, just in case it is them, but we know when they do arrive as we recognise the engine sound of their car, and the others, well we jump to them, as we don’t trust ourselves to get it right. I don’t remember being quite so good at it when I was mobile but it does seem to be a skill that has grown, the less able to look out the window the more my recognition has improved. They say that when you loose one sense another takes over, it may be my mobility that has gone, but my hearing and brain have worked together to form an alternative.
With the shopping due this morning I also know that Adam will be home for lunch today. Weather permitting, he will come home for a brief visit most days, but on shopping day he has taken to coming home regardless. The delivery men are great and they put into the kitchen the items that I have to put away there and then, the items for the fridge and freezer, but the rest is placed on the hallway floor, from there I pick up bits and pieces that I can lift and slowly put it away, taking some rest every few items. There are of course things that I can’t lift and move, I used to always just leave them on the floor in the hall and Adam would put them away in the evening, then suddenly for no reason I can think of, Adam suddenly decided that they were a danger to me. He thinks that with them there I might fall over them, it is something that worries him a lot, I know that. If for instance he is hoovering and leaves the hoover somewhere to do something else, he warns me it is there, in case I might some how not see an upright Dyson hoover and fall over it? So today all the heavy items, that I agree I might forget about, but would always see, have to be moved by him not for my safety but his peace of mind. It is really sweet of him and I know it is done out of love, but it makes me laugh as I hate to think what is going on in his head to see it as logical. I do wish that I could put his mind at rest over many small things, but I have tried and failed so many times that it is easier really to let him do what ever it is he feels he has to.
To date not one of the falls I have ever taken have been due to me tripping over or walking into anything. If I am to fall it is always for one of two reasons, either I have simply lost my balance, most likely when I am turning a corner or just as I am standing up, especially if I have been daft enough to kneel on the floor, my balance doesn’t seem to want to deal with the different shifting angles involved in the standing or bending process. The second reason is slightly more complex, I have vaso-vagal which means that my heartbeat can drop suddenly causing my blood pressure to drop and then I pass out. Some actions like holding my hands above my head, to say shut the curtains, but normally for no reason at all the nerve will be stimulated and over I go. The Doctor who diagnosed the vaso-vagal said it was most likely that my MS has damaged the nerve but it is something that also happens without any outside reason. What ever the cause the fact is I don’t fall over things, I just fall over as simple as that. It is one of the reasons that I stay close to walls and furniture as I have developed an art of more sliding down things, rather than simply hitting the floor, it saves me from knocking myself out which has happened in the past.
Falling is part of my life and it is strangely another of those things you learn to live with and find a way round i.e. my sliding down rather than falling. We all adjust and absorb these things into the new normal, but they remain a source of worry to those around us, it is hard to remember that at times. I doubt that Adam will ever see it as normal and I suppose that is one of the things I love about him, illness is an odd collection of abnormal normals.