I was looking for something else when I came across this picture and it actually really shows just how I am feeling just now. It is all rather dark at the minute but this morning that crack in the clouds has appeared and I feel lighter in myself. I am not sure where the change came from but when I woke up this morning I just felt that bit brighter, it probably has a lot to do with the fact that the pain in my legs has improved a bit. I noticed straight away when I swung them out from under the duvet and put my feet on the floor. You can’t imagine how good it feels to actually make a small basic movement and to not feel yourself tense up in response to the pain. As mad as that sounds it is actually true these days, my body reacts to the pain before my brain feels it and it really is the tensing that I am aware of before the pain, but the soles of my feet where not screaming back at me that they could feel the floor, they just went there in silence. I used to only have that pain in my feet at the end of a day, it feels as though my feet were on fire and every step I took felt as though it was on shards or glass. It was one of the first things that told me things were moving again, at it’s worst just touching the floor was enough to send shock-waves right through my legs and not just at the end of the day. This morning not feeling it at that point of waking and touching the floor was really good, it didn’t stay away long as once I was walking there was pain, but feeling pain when walking is one thing, feeling pain when doing nothing is another. I came through here and when I sat again the pain vanished, improvement!
A few weeks ago I bought this small massage thing for my feet, it is made of wood and has grooved rollers on it so when you are sitting you massage your feet with any movement you make. I was really pleased with it at first as it made a difference but then suddenly I couldn’t use it due to the nerve reaction, today I am once again enjoying just gently placing my feet on it and without applying pressure gently shuffling my feet on it. That too is lifting my mood so I can say with confidence this is a better day. It is hard to imagine when you don’t live with these things, I know with total confidence if someone had explained all this to me years ago I wouldn’t have come close to the reality. One of the stupidest things you get asked is ‘on a scale of 0 to 10’, whose scale? Even my scale has change wildly over the years, on the scale of when I was a teenager the pain I am in daily now is off the scale I had then, I didn’t actually know that pain went above that of a pulled muscle or bad skin graze and I had no concept that pain could be like this but at the same time livable as well. My scale now, well this morning the background pain is about a 5 and the spikes are as always between 9 and 10, but that is a muscle in spasm and it kind of depends where that muscle is. Spasms normally last from a minute right through to, well when it want to let go. I usually find they grip, release, grip, release rather than stay constant, best description is to say like cramp, even when a bad cramp releases, there is still pain and often it will cramp up again.
Today though, touch wood, there haven’t been any bad spasm, I don’t ever get a day free of them but the further I get into the day the better. I really is a fact that if the day starts well, the rest of the day feel better. I have made it to mid-day and my feet feel good, there is a mild hug happening and the rest of me well all I am saying is, it is the rest of me, and like always it reminds me it is there from time to time. No pain is constant, there are always fluxes but I am on the up side today, here’s to tomorrow.