I am glad to say that I am a little better than yesterday, not great but better. I did give in a little early last night and disappeared under the duvet, were I drifted quite quickly into sleep, which surprised me as I hadn’t managed to even have my normal quantity of Gin, the proof I felt really bad, I didn’t even finish one. I am still not really with it and concentration is at a premium but I at least don’t feel like I am floating in a different dimension for the rest of the world, just on the edges looking both ways.
When everything closes off like that those are the times when I can actually sit here and full see that I am not well. Believe it or not it is easy to forget at times how ill I really am. Normal is something that changes for all of us throughout our lives but we desperately want to see it and believe it to be a universal state. Look at every decade of your life and normal has been something different for each of them. It would be great to have the normal of childhood for ever but life doesn’t work that way. My normal is ill, so how to judge myself other than that level of ill is hard. It is when I am like this that I fear I am looking at my future but I have nothing to say that is what will happen, but it is that fear that is the problem when you are living with a chronic illness.
None of us want to see our future as all of us will age and there is a high chance the last years of our lives will not be spent in good health or high activity levels. For many the vision of a old person who can’t hold a conversation as they have no way of thinking long enough to take part, sat there with life going on around them, just waiting for death, is scarey but normal. In a way that vision is acceptable, but I am only 51 not 81, and that could happen to me tomorrow, a lesion growing in the wrong place and I could wake one day to find I have left this dimension for ever. MS plays games that way, it takes things away and gives them back changed, or it can take things away and never give them back. Worse still there is no knowing which area or when that lesion will grow and how long it will take to destroy the nerve for ever.
Things being bad like this are the signs that my MS is at work, destroying something or other and it is working at a higher rate than ‘normal’. If you get a cold you get better, that isn’t the case for me. My illness is heightened and this could be my ‘new normal’ or just a visit to the future, either way it means I have to start to think about dealing with it, part of me says wait and see, but wait for what and for how long? I have learned to accept and adjust and I have always found my way through and I see no reason even if things stay as they are, that I won’t be able to do the same but my ability to do anything is going to be changed dramatically, even my ability to keep all my twitter going as well, I have been badly lost in what I have being doing, with out my spreadsheets to keep checking things off as done, nothing actually would be. I really could just sit here and do nothing. Nothing at all. I can’t see today turning out any different from yesterday, but what else can I do about it right now?