I wanted to and still do want to disappear back to bed, it is hard these days to fight against that desire, but I know that I have to as I can’t let myself slip out of routine, not even for one day as I know all too well the consequences of it. Everyone when they are fit ans working have a routine, one that keeps them on track and in touch with everything important to them and their lives, even if they are not aware of it. Once you are ill it is easy to set that routine to one side and just go with the flow, sleep when you need to, eat when you want do what ever you feel like at the time. To me that is the way for it all to go wrong, and very quickly. I can’t speak for other illnesses on this point, but I discovered that MS is more than just a creature of habit upset it and it will kickback hard, when it is already upset as mine is just now, well it is even more important to try to keep to what would be the normal.
At this minute I am fighting just to keep my figures moving over this keyboard and my mind on the words I am thinking. Concentration is one of the symptoms that I find myself at war with frequently and especially when I am in pain. It is bad enough when there are distractions on the screen or on the TV but then add in pain suddenly somewhere and my chance of completing the sentence in one action becomes nil. I have said before that in some ways that can be good, well when a new distraction appears you forget the previous one, but that isn’t an answer to anything just a way of blundering through a day, bit by bit and without much success. These distractions are more than a moment lost here or there, they disrupt my routine and force me to become frustrated, but even that can’t last to long, as I am lost in something else. A glimpse only of the muddle that I find myself today. I have no idea how to keep myself going when things are like this, I fight between what I know has to be done and what I am able to do, I move from one period of pain to the next and through it all I am numb to even myself.
I can see clearly how it is easy just to stop, to give in and to sit there letting the day wash past me, to turn into what I most fear, the zombie in the corner. When your feelings, your thoughts and your physical being are all so muddled up together achieving anything is amazing in itself. I am so far out of my timetable today that I have had to accept the fact I just won’t or can’t actually catch up. Today is by no means a right off on the achievement scale, it is actually far higher than on a normal day, the fact that I have actually manage to write this is enough for me to be content that I can and have achieved. I hope there is enough logical thought in it for it to make sense to others.