I am

There is a strong desire today to not write, to simply post “I feel crap and I am going to bed”, but that isn’t what this is about, is it. To stay true I have to post daily, but there is no rule about length.

Just as I published yesterday’s post the MS Nurse arrived, she was here for about 45mins and she confirmed my thinking, I am either in a flare or everything has moved up a gear and I am once again on a faster slope, only time will tell and I am sticking on the positive side, this is a flare. We went thorough everything that has happened since Christmas and then the point a several weeks ago when I started going down. I have tried to pinpoint when it started snowballing and the first signs are right back at the point I had the nurses in and out of the house and them the Dr here, all things that upset my routine. As you all know I have been grumbling on here about the pain in my pelvic and legs, since then. Add in the mad pain in my back that didn’t fit to pulling a muscle, which like everyone else I had done before, the pains never matched and took too long to die down. I also spoke to her about the tightening of the tendons in the backs of my legs and how my left foot has dropped and the continual spasms that lock them up at times. She is going to talk to my GP and sort out a new spasm drug as clearly I need it, but that isn’t the major outcome, I have agreed to go to the new pain clinic at the Victoria hospital.

My GP had suggested it months ago but I wasn’t keen to go for several reasons, first being the getting there and back, but as unpleasant as it was in the stair climber, I know I can do it, so first one gone. The second problem is my image of what happens at a pain clinic and what I learned about them years ago. My knowledge came from a friend of mine who went there for several months for treatments and training in relaxation, I know how to do that and it helps a little at times and I don’t want to have to keep going back and forward wasting time for nothing, well it was for her nothing as the pain was worse not better when she stopped going. I have no faith or belief in acupuncture, psychologist, hypnosis or any of that stuff. I have tried things like tens and so on and none of those type things worked for me either. Sorry but I really am the type of person who has faith in one thing and one thing only drugs, there is a drug out there I am sure that will control my pain and bring it down again to a livable level. I will see when I get there I suppose but I am still not really convinced there is anything they can do. I was totally open with the nurse and she said that the image I have of pain clinics isn’t totally accurate. Yes they do do most of what I knew, but they also have access and better knowledge of drugs that could help me that my GP wouldn’t prescribe without a Consultant behind it, so on that basis I have agreed to go, the first person to mention anything else will be shot. I just don’t have that energy required for all that faffing about, and disrupting my routine making life harder not better. So the clock has started on that waiting point.

All that out of the way, today, as I said at the top I feel totally wiped and lacking in effort or effect, this has just taken over an hour to write and it is far from my best, I know that, but when you are fighting through brain fog, body concrete and pain through every movement, what do I expect. My desire to hibernate is growing daily, I would love to just escape right now as purpose is hard to find when you feel like this, I am sometimes reluctant to say on here things like the above as to some it may sound like I am ready to give up, I am far from that, but right now my body wants to coast and doesn’t seem to mind what that actually means. I find myself numbed to emotions, not meaning to sound down nor feeling it, time and everything else is just passing by me and over me and I go on. I could be anywhere as I am not effected by what is around me, I am, is all I can say about me. I am in pain, I am lost, I am drifting, I am silent inside, I am tired, I am sitting, I am numb, I am still ALIVE and strangely with all that I am STILL HAPPY. And now I am going to have a sleep.