Seeing beauty

I woke up this morning feeling ill, I mean normal ill not MS ill. I just feel totally off, somewhat nauseous and with a great desire to climb back into bed and feel sorry for myself. I am reasonably sure it is all coming once again from my guts, as I have been to the loo three times and the pressure feeling around my gallbladder, which I rarely notice early in the day was there from the second I stepped out of my bed, exactly as it was when I went to bed last night. Still it is just another 4 weeks until I see the specialist again and unless something totally horrid happens in between, I will manage OK.

I think we all hate this sickie not right feeling, it is better to me at least, if I felt really rotten, totally wiped and throwing up, normally goes hand in hand with just sleeping the day away, curled up cozy in bed, off colour not sure what it is sick, means you carry on as normal but feel off all day long. Straight choice, simple, I will choose truly sick every time. I think this is the reason that all chronic illnesses are so wearing, even on a good day it feels like you are trying to manage your life well below power all the time. Simple tasks become impossible and everything drains the little energy you have. There is on the bad days a temptation to curl up and just let everything wash past you, but unlike a bug or a virus you can’t look forward to it being over as you know tomorrow will be similar to everyday that has passed since it started, and similar to everyday that is still to come. I know that many people feel that their lives are like that anyway and that there isn’t exactly exiting things going on in there lives. They do the same things day in day out, get up, go to work, go home, and every weekend will be spent just as every other weekend, but trust me it isn’t the same thing at all.

When I was in remission and working I could have fallen into that everyday being the same as the others but I always seemed to find something that made it different, something that stretched my imagination or my knowledge, and everything had a purpose. I believe more and more as time goes on and I speak to others with the same or other conditions, the difference between those who cope well and those who struggle, comes down to just that, being able to see the things that are different, to find interest and excitement over things others pass dismissing it as the same as always. I suppose this is a simple example, I have lived in this house for 13 years, we decorated it and we added in loads of furniture and ornaments, nothing new has entered the house for several years now but daily I find myself stopping and looking at something that has always been there, but feel as though I am looking at it with new eyes, as though I hadn’t really seen it properly before. I see new details I had missed or realise that it is more beautiful than I thought it was. Adam has often asked my what was wrong because I am starring across the room, no where near the TV. There is never anything wrong, I am just seeing something I hadn’t really seen before, or just enjoying the sight of a piece I know well. I have never been through that everyday the same, because no days are the same they all have high points that make it different. I can’t say that about my health.

Yes it changes and yes I have good days and bad, but my health is my health and I can’t change it, nor can anyone else. No matter how many high points I have in a day behind all of it there is still my health, dragging me downwards, making life difficult, stopping me from doing what I want to do. Those of us who deal well with a never ending illness are the ones who still have those high points, those moments of wonder that give us a purpose. It can be anything but for me, it is almost everything, at times even my illness, there are high points there as well. If you can see the beauty of rain on a window or the sunshine through a piece of crystal, you are still seeing the beauty in life, stop seeing it and yes life will be the same everyday. In many ways living with illness isn’t about the illness, it is simply about living.