I’m tired today, nothing new there then. Joking aside I am really tired I have been since Saturday I seem to have these sleepy spell and have done for years. No matter how I try, I have never managed to work out what the trigger to them are, it isn’t as though I have been doing too much as I haven’t really done anything for several years now. I have been going to bed about an hour earlier than normal and I am sleeping longer in the afternoons as well, the full two hours I actually set my alarm for. I have to restrict it as I discovered long ago that I will just sleep until something wakes me, that way I am not tired enough to sleep properly at night, a cycle that if I keep it up means I am out of line with the rest of the world and my routine.
It isn’t the going to bed early or the sleeping longer in the afternoon that I find difficult, it is more the general feeling of heaviness and sluggishness that is so wearing and just really compounds the situation. We all know what it is like to just want to curl up and sleep, to feel out of sorts and not able to get things done, this at least is one condition that is easy to explain to all, having that tiredness all the time, well it is in itself tiring, making a self feeding circle. It has to date always lifted and I have returned to my normal state of tired. Strange to think I know that life can become a constant state or either tired or exhausted, but that pretty well describes just how it is, a constant with simple variations of intensity. If there was a way to end it or to recover from it I would love to know, but in a strange way it is also something that you get used to, not knowing when you go to sleep if there is actually any benefit of what you are about to do or not. To me the greatest thing about sleep is that it takes me away from the pain and all the other wonderful things that MS is doing to me. Sleep is a great escape but is it living is the really big question. Many would say no, but I now would say yes. Even if I slept to the extent that I only had 8hrs a day to call day, I would still see it as living, there is enough time there to get into some kind of trouble or other.
There are days that I wish, wish that I could wake with a spring in my step and desire to rush of and do something, but my first thought each day is that of pain, not what pain I will have to deal with as the day extends but of the pain that is there from the second I move for the first time, often though it is simpler than that as it is the pain I feel as soon as the alarm rings, even before I reach to turn it off. It is an unusual world but it is still a world, it is still a place to think, to watch, to love, to feel and to believe in, those to me are the qualities that make all this still worth well. I have always been an observer of life, someone who would quietly watch and learn from what others did and said, but wasn’t scared to say what I thought of any given situation, which often got me into trouble. The biggest thing I learned is there are two sides at the very least to any situation or course of events, it is the same with chronic illness. There is a list so long that I couldn’t actually complete of things that are wrong and difficult to deal with, things that make life difficult, but the flip side is the fact that I now have the time to spend on my desire to understand, to learn, to watch and to think through things. I have the time to enjoy the things that I never did before, I also have the time to remember and to analyze all that has happened in my life from both sides, when maybe I only saw my own before.
No matter the negatives as I have often said there are positives too, positives that maybe aren’t seen when we are busy denying the fact we have an illness that destroys. I still have much to learn from my MS, as strangely it has probably turned in to the greatest learning tool I have ever known.