Adam’s Mum came round to the house yesterday evening, it wasn’t until this morning that I realise I was probably a little rude to her. I was in so much pain last night and I made the effort to leave this seat and move to the settee so that I could talk to her and Adam, as Adam came out of the toilet she went into the hall to talk to him about the cardigan she had knitted for him, I sat with the pain rising all the time waiting for them to come back in but they didn’t. I suppose they were out there for 10 mins at the most then she announced she was leaving. So I stood up and moved into the hall to say good bye, I don’t really even remember how the conversation got there but we were suddenly talking about getting rid of unwanted clothing, I was really proud of Adam for at last actually throwing out two or three bags of stuff the other day, it has by the way taken him years to actually do it. His Mum dropped in that you can now sell bags of stuff and she got £20 for the stuff she threw out recently. I almost exploded, the thought that he might fill bags of stuff and have those bags sitting making even more mess in this house, even for a day just made me see red. I know she meant well but she just doesn’t see things the way I do when it comes to stuff like this, I suggested that she looked at the tip called our kitchen, she saw nothing wrong. No it is normal to not be able to see half the dining table nor pull a chair out as there is so much rubbish piled on and under it. At that I walked away as I knew I was about to burst into tears and start screaming at her, I have spent years trying to keep my home perfect but I have no choice these days other than to voice my disapproval to the mess I see, as I can’t physically do anything about it. There are tears running now as just writing about it, the anger has risen again, I have to wear blinkers to it but it is hard and without other here to see I cry a lot about it. It might sound a little odd but it isn’t the pain that makes me cry often, well not the physical pain but the pain that is caused by being useless for even the smallest yet important things in my life. No matter how far I go back, even when I had a baby or toddler in my home my house was pin tidy. I have never seen any excuse for things to be any less than perfect, so it hurts a lot to see it and be reminded every time I do just how useless I have become.
But that was no excuse for rudeness even when I have no control over my temper or any other emotion I still don’t see an excuse for it. The damage to my brain is rapidly becoming the thing that I am finding the hardest. I haven’t been in control of it for a long time but it is occasions like yesterday that remind me why I don’t really like people in my home, as they don’t know or understand any of that, and I don’t want excuses to be made for me, I am an adult and I shouldn’t have childish outbursts about nothing in front of others. I can’t explain myself all the time at the time it is happening and I guess because after she left Adam came and spoke to me about the pain I was clearly in, that he had quietly apologised to his mother and explained that it wasn’t me, it was the pain I am in that caused the outburst, correct but he should be running around whispering, as it all went quiet before she left, no one should other than me and I can’t live like that, a viscous circle, I know.
Adam and I for good or bad have set ourselves up in a cocoon that allows for my health, neither of us have to continually explain anything to anyone, including each other. He knows all to well what is happening to me, I know that but I still play games, hide things, cover things up, because I feel for both our sakes I have to. I feel safe when I am alone or with Adam, add anyone else into the mix and I am scared of exactly what happened yesterday, a perfect example of how out of control my brain is when it has to interact, without the space of a computer screen, with the outside world. These are the tough things to think about and talk about, I am not a nasty person, but I can’t take any stressed encounters without biting back in a way I would never have done in the past, I am scared as I don’t know how I will be in the future, if I am already unable to deal with 15 to 20 mins of a relative how long before I won’t be able to stay in any form of control with anyone at any time. The world is a scary place when your own brain does things you can’t stop it doing.