On going denial

One week on and my back is still hurting, I have to admit it is better than a week ago but I really did think it would have gone by now. Adam is back at work today so normality is once again restored in the home if not in me and yes I did make a start yesterday with my writing so I am no longer looking at a blank page if you like, I guess that unlike this blog I will do a lot of rewriting as this is daily I don’t really have the time to do that, I write from start to finish then check it over to ensure it will makes some sense to the reader, part of me thinks I should maintain that style, but it is hard to for some reason.

I have found myself thinking a lot about the post I wrote the other day about my decision that it was time for me to stop using the cooker without Adam in the house, I’m not going back on that decision but it has left me wondering how many other things will appear in time that I wouldn’t be able to do safely. We already had to change the bathroom from an over bath shower, to shower cabinet and I at the same time managed to get a raised toilet fitted so our bathroom which should be safe and easier in the years to come, although I know Adam would still rather I only use the shower when he is here, which I admit will probably have to happen eventually, but not yet. The two rooms that I guess will have to be adapted in time are out living room and bedroom, at least the bedroom will be a case of changing the bed for one that is easier for me to get in and out of. This week while my back has been sore I have had a great deal of trouble getting out of it, although I have managed with a slide and twist. It has opened my eyes though to the needs of the future as my muscles weaken all over I won’t be able to do this by myself, and I need to, as I sleep not only at night but in the afternoon as well. I hate the idea of having a practical bed rather than one that looks good and fits exactly into the space, any change in size would be a big issue as our bedroom isn’t exactly huge, there isn’t a spare piece of flat wall anywhere other than at the door as we have two wardrobes and two draw units that fill all the space to the centimeter. Change anything and something else would have to go and them what do we do with our belongings? In that respect I realise now that I should have done more work on the house when I was still working and had the money to, but no one expects to be made redundant and unable to find another job.

Like so many other people these days we would need a lottery win to be able to do everything that would make our home a better layout for going forward, as yes there is probably a few changes needed in the living room as well. I suppose I didn’t do it as like everyone else there is a denial that goes on for ever, I still find it hard to get my head round things like the cooker, I had the idea in the back of my head but my expected dates for any of them to be still years away. So how soon could all the other ‘one day in the future’ items actually arrive? It is easy to say ‘I wish I had’, but it really was bad planning and huge denial on my part. If I could go back and sort out all these things, well I would, and I would now have a home that I will be happy with how it looks going forward and would also be adaptable. Anyone out there heading down the same path please think and act now while you can, not what I did, blindly head onwards with blinkers on to the future.

I suppose that denial will continue regardless what I do or what I try to do, and the reason is easy to explain, no one wants to picture themselves becoming more and more pathetic and frail, but that is my future and I don’t deny that, I just deny the timeline it wants to take, as it isn’t the way I want it.

7 thoughts on “On going denial

  1. I have 4 walking sticks,2 mobility scooters,a riser reclining chair,an adjustable bed,a trolley on wheels and a 3 wheeled shopping walker,not to mention a frame that fits round the toilet that makes it easier to use.I feel so lucky to have all these things to afford me a greater level of independance,but I am always troubled that my condition might get worse and I might not be able to use them all.One day at a time I guess.

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  2. a lot of times I need a raised toilet definatley adjustable bed sleep is evasive but funds is always beyond any needs so I found denial is good and force the issue of to keep walking even to the extent of going hills and bush, somewhere amongst the pain and lack of sleep I find satisfaction in achievement, I know time will come when I can’t move, my art suffer’s and there is varying levels of depression but contact with my pets helps relieve stress. I have a friend in wheelchair going telling him of ny adventures gives me a brighter outlook on life. Prayers to all in the world of pain and suffering!

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  3. I have come to the conclusion that we con ourselves all the way through our lives, the subject of that con just changes. For some reason the human mind has a need to hide what it doesn’t want to face. I didn’t want the changes too soon as I didn’t want to live in a hospital, this is my home. I hadn’t thought about the finance now I am needing I can’t afford to. As I said bad planning on my part, but I thought I still had time, I think we all hope there will always be that time ahead of us.

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  4. Well, all of us are ageing physically regardless…I find it brilliant that recognition of your own denial ~ wow! You’re a shining example insight, patience and determination. I cannot visualize with utmost clarity my husband’s and my living situation years from now, but hold out faith that all is going to bode well. I really hope that your backbone and muscles are feeling better today! I send my prayers to all who are suffering physically or emotionally.

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