Steps to the Future

I can’t believe how much the pain in my back is getting to me. I live daily with pain everywhere and on new pain from an accident is driving me mad. I have even added ibuprofen on top of everything else and the pain is still getting to me? The whole pain relief thing isn’t making much sense to me lately as I have mentioned a few times, from what everyone tells me I really shouldn’t feel pain at all with the level of drugs I am on, yet I do? I hate puzzles that I can’t find the answer to myself. I am so used to in life being able to analyse a situation and find the root, then the solution, I feel kind of lost and stupid when it comes to this problem. The pain has spread today and I suspect that I have now hurt other areas in my attempts to relief the root pain caused the other day, the pain has spread right up to my waist, so walking is now a painful proses from my ankles up, there is a great temptation to go to my bed and stay there until it goes away. Defeatist of me I know, but nothing else has made any difference.

I am not really feeling well at all today and it isn’t just my back I am once again feeling sick and really out of sorts. I have been having chills and intense nausea at times, which I suspect is my gallstones so add in the extra pain and I have found myself in the normal human situation of feeling sorry for myself. Pathetic I know but hey, it proves I am as human as you or anyone else.

Yesterday and today I have been thinking more about starting to write outside my blog and pulling together my work of the past 10 months into one manuscript. I actually feel ready to write more but to do so I will have to change my daily routine to make space for it. That is really what I have been thinking about to tell the truth, more than just the writing, in my mind I have made that step, it is now planning that goal so that I can action my plan. This is what I have been waiting for, I am a strange person, I can’t do things until I am totally comfortable with them, it is one thing taking and idea and saying that is a good idea, to then being able to say I am ready to do that. One thing that won’t and can’t change is this, my daily blog, this my root and I need the day to day writing as to be honest it keeps me sane. If I tried to get through a day now without an outpouring of what my body is doing to me, I don’t think I could do it. By writing I am making my record and I am staying true to me determination to document the truth for all to read, including me, this is becoming my memory, well the god given one doesn’t work so I need another. I believe what is gong to be cut back has to be what I do on Twitter, I don’t want to give it up just trim it back a bit, I am also going to trim ‘Touching Space’ the three post a day is going to come down to just one, between those two changes I hope that I will make some free time, enough to start writing my book. This afternoon the final planning and as always a sleep so that on Sunday I have a new working order.