Drip by Drip

It’s shopping day. That day when I know I will get too little rest and I will be on edge until it is delivered and I have peace again for the rest of the day. Once a fortnight I submit a shopping list on line and on the following Tuesday morning it arrives, sounds nice and simple, well it is and it isn’t.

There is nothing hard about doing your shopping on line and it used to be a way of my not buying anything that we don’t need as unlike when you are in a supermarket you aren’t walking up and down the isle browsing and adding things you don’t need in to your basket, I had a list on line set up and I just clicked the ones we needed, simple, not any longer. The theory is still there and I suppose to an extent it still works, but as my concentration is diminishing so is my ability to stick exactly to the process is simply not happening. I started wondering a few months ago, instead of 10 minutes max putting an order through, it was taking longer and longer. I simply couldn’t complete it without popping into an isle to look at the prices and add unneeded things to the basket. I can’t afford to keep doing this, so this week once I was finished I looked closely at my finished list and took out again the extras, extras that added up to nearly £40! It is hard to be disciplined with the attention of a flee and it is hard to be strict on the money, as I am still not used to the fact it isn’t there to spend as it used to be.

The delivery part is a easy, in fact more than easy as the delivery guys know where I like the bags put and always put the fridge and freezer stuff on the counter top for me as I always put them away, and return through out the day putting bits and pieces away as I go. Adam does the rest when he comes home as it would other wise take me a week to finish, well maybe not quite that length of time.

We all and I do mean all, have routines and systems that we stick to, just the way you do thing,s not a big thought out plan but habit. I seem to be loosing those habits, they are suffering in the same way as the rest of my life. I don’t think any of us realise how important concentration is and how easy it is to wonder around in a sort of daze flitting from this to that and back again. Even writing this some days is a task to make myself complete it, without doing other things in the middle, is now impossible. I have wondered away about 5 times so far just doing silly things like emails and tweets, fetching a glass of coke, looking out the window for the delivery van and so on. I am beginning to see my future as one long rambling wonder, with tiny points of structure.

It is one of those things that I doubt many think about, not the final result but the getting there. I have made plans for the future that all look at me in the worst state of all the symptoms, I have plans to deal with many things but I have no plans for the getting there phases. I hadn’t thought about the in between stages the phases were I know what is going on, but I can’t do anything about it phases. I suppose I was taking the lead from my arm, when it went it went over night I woke up with a dead left arm, I know that it wouldn’t always be an overnight change but I some how had it in my head that each individual thing would happen quickly over a short period of time, with sharp adjustments, well that is how it had been with many things, eyesight, eating, mobility, everything had happened in sharp jumps. To me that is easier to deal with, this knowing I am slowly everyday disappearing a tiny bit and it will take years to get to the final destination, with me aware of all of it, wasn’t in my plan. It appears I have some more plans to make but it’s hard to know what to plan for, worst case scenario is easy.