I am so far behind with everything that I normally do today, I having one of those fog days, which I am sure most of you now know about, unfortunately so do I. I have again this morning been trying to sort things out with the OT and the therapist and it seems that no one wants to talk to me today, all I get is answerphones, engaged tones and no answers. Usually Monday is a good day to make phone calls as with the fresh week those you want to talk to haven’t had time to get wound up by work and are happy to take the call.
The problems that my MS have caused with my speech whines me up all the time, it is one of the things that others noticed quickly when my MS turned progressive. I had always had times when I lost words or I stuttered a little but it wasn’t occasional it started to be all the time. I was taught all the tricks of talking more slowly, breathing and so on but they are all very well in the house, when you are sitting in a meeting with all the directors and you loose all that you have planned to say, and just sit there stuttering, well it isn’t fun believe me. The problem always gets worse as well once it has started, frustration just makes these sort of things worse and it is a wild spiral into a mess that causes an emotional reaction, and as I have explained before, when my emotions get involved, I cry. Not quite the image that you want others to have of you in the business world. To be totally honest I would have given anything to get control of all those things when I was still going into the office and had to go to meetings, it was another of those great pluses that came from being housebound, no more meetings. Having others take notes and email them to me and them reading a well laid out proposal or opinions was a huge boost for me, strangely not being there meant they saw the real me.
I notice with people I didn’t know, like when talking to a shop assistant, their faces showed clearly that they thought I was some sort of annoying low life that they had to put up with, clearly I was thick. Not being able to talk clearly is as bad a being pushed in a wheelchair, people immediately connect it too you intelligence and ability to be a person in your own right. It is bad enough when stranger treat you like that, but it even worse when it is people who should know better. I have had on occasion the same reaction for Doctors and Nurses, even when people try to be patient and let me complete what I am saying, it is often still clear on their faces that they are having to hold back from jumping in. It is another one of those things that I see even in Adams face and often he can’t help himself when he isn’t in a good mood, he starts guessing what I am about to say and completes vocally for me, I hate that. I do occasionally ask for help but that is a very different thing.
I am not sure which is worst the stutter or the forgetting, in someways I suppose the forgetting, it will occasionally attach to the stutter. I will get stuck saying a word, and my brain will then for a laugh, remove the word I have started to say. It is hard to explain what it feels like when you intelligence is insulted, as that is what is going on, I feel like I am suddenly 4 yrs old and my words are being completed as like any 4 year old, I don’t have the correct vocabulary to be able to do so myself. It really hurts, not on the surface but deep inside where the person who I protect lives, yes we all do actually have a 4 year old inside us and we all know how easily it can be hurt. All of us prize our own abilities and intelligence, and there is no greater, or worse insult than for another person to attack it.