Strange understandings

My Pressure socks arrived at lunch time yesterday, which means that I have started the test to see if I can reduce further the pain in my legs. I have now for the past two days been ensuring that I take my blow up cushion with me so that I never sit on a normal chair of settee without it. This does seem to be making a small difference, I know at least my TV watching in the evening is less fidgety, I can’t stay absolutely still but I’m not shifting around every few seconds. I managed with a little twisting and getting myself into strange positions to put the socks on myself yesterday when they arrived. Reaching my feet is really hard and causes pain, it makes the normal position for putting socks on, not really possible. There were several attempts before they were over my toes and where I can inch them on from there, at times it feels as though nothing in my life is just easy, but well it’s my life the way it is. I haven’t had them long enough to know if they will make the pain less but with them on my legs again today so far the pain seem to have not really changed. The one great thing I noticed this morning was that my right foot looked for the first time in ages like my left foot, skinny and bony, the left is better as well but still a bit puffy. I suppose what I need to do is continue with both over next week and then assess the results.

I am in one of my easy to be distracted moods today I used to try to fight it now I have learned just to go with it. It is all part of the wonderful thing called MS, concentration sort of vanishes and my attention will drift off to other things. I tried again the other day to keep it in one place and doing what I wanted it to do. I opened this page on it’s own and enlarged the window to fill the screen, nothing to distract me, that was at least the idea, the result was very different. Nothing else to distract me on the screen but I now had the whole room to distract me instead, I started dusting the ornaments on my desk, fiddled with the desk lamp, cleaned my keyboard and anything else within reach. Fiddling with other web pages and reading emails is more productive and less tiring so I now have loads of windows open and I am writing a few words before having to come back here reread what I wrote and adding a bit more. As long as I stay here at my computer on days like this it at least isn’t dangerous, I’m not putting pans on the cooker and forgetting about them.

Days like this always have the is strange floaty feeling that comes with them, I know before I try to do anything that I am not going to get through it in one action. I kind of feel that I am here within my body, but my body isn’t quite mine, I am living here behind my eyes but here only. If I stop moving my body feels numb and it is as though I am only my nervous system, without the nerves sparking to make the movement they then become detached and float. I suppose to make sense of it, is to say it is like my body shuts down anything I am not using. I have rewritten this now three times, not just because I go of to other things but because I want it to make sense not just to you but to me. We all normally now where we are and what we are doing, we normally are aware of where our hands and our feet are not just because they are attached to us and they are where we put them, but messages travel back to our brains confirming their position. It feels as though those messages are gone unless I somehow stimulate them. So right now I know my feet are on the floor, I put them there, but I can’t actually feel them unless one of two things happen, I move a toe to cause a signal or there is pain. I am here behind my eyes and I feel nothing other than areas of pain all in their physical place but there is nothing in between, just numb blankness. I hope someone out there understand this, I have avoided trying to write it before as it sounds so odd in written words. It is a frequent feeling and seems to have been part of my life for a long time, but telling people that huge areas of your body have disappeared really does sound nuts, screwed up nerves do screwed up things and this is just another of them.