I woke this morning instantly aware of the strangest thing, my index finger on my right hand was dead, no wrong word, it was numb like it was asleep apart from a small point at the very tip which felt as though there was a needle stuck in it or I had burnt it. The movement was normal and so was the rest of my hand, just this one strange finger which took nearly an hour to return, other than the tip. Although it has decreased in it pain, it still has this point which is sore, press on it and the pain feels like it is right on the tip of the bone. It is strange things like this that can actually make me laugh at my own body constantly, it seems to take pleasure in finding new and unusual things to do.
Living with something like MS can often feel as though there is some kind of alien has taken up residence inside you, being alien they have to explore all the nerve paths and muscles to see what they can do to amuse themselves at that moment. You never know what is going to happen in the next minute far less be able to plan for tomorrow or next month. I have been living that long with my alien that I find it hard to think back to what it is like being healthy and to just have a body that does what it was designed to. I often wonder when I am writing if these are things to do with MS or if the happen to healthy people as well. I have a guide line now, I will use my finger as an example, I have never had anything like that in any part of my body before, in the case of a finger I measure it just against all digits, so the odds are that this is my resident alien, not the normal actions of a healthy hand. That I know isn’t 100%, but it is closer than flipping a coin. If it is something that has me totally baffled, I still often ask Adam if he has had anything like it, he is my as near to a normal point I have, if he hasn’t then I know it is MS. It didn’t surprise me that things are a bit wacky today though as my body is still fighting every action I take, silly things like if I cross my legs I am getting really sharp pains shooting down the front of my leg and sparking small spasms in my calf muscle, I am still a shattered mess and it will not let me forget it.
I suppose to those of you reading this who don’t have a similar illness it is a bit hard to imagine that your body can simply do something that you have no control of, strange movement as nerves spark and muscles spasm. That from no where and for no reason, pain will suddenly start and stay until it is ready to go. That without injury you have lost sensations in in your fingers other than the mad pins and needles, that pulse more than tingle, although they often do that as well. That you can reach out to lift your cup or glass and you simply can’t do it, as there is no strength in your arm to achieve such a simple motion. That on standing you can only achieve a bizarre wobble rather than a smooth stride and all of these things just happen, no choice, no control because at that second that alien has it.
Last night was another evening of sitting, lying, shifting about, forwards and back again, legs on and off the table and anything I could think of to stop the pain in my legs even for a few seconds. Interrupted with having to move my left arm around while massaging the muscles as they were either in spasm or dead to all feeling. No it wasn’t fun and again I had to trust on my Gin bottle to control it enough to sleep. I am waiting for the day that standard blood test show up that I have damaged my liver with all the Gin I now drink, but to be honest I don’t care at that time as I know it works and I have to do something. Sometimes I feel like shouting and screaming that it is my body and if I want to do something I will, but screaming would only upset the neighbors, just like throwing the glass across the room with my right hand, as my left can’t do it. Frustration is one of those other symptoms no one tells you about, the ridicules anguish that appears when everything else has been taken over and away, running in a visions circle, as the more frustrated you get the less your body will obey you. Unless a there is a sudden unexpected change, today, well it is going to be somewhat like yesterday, but I will be here tomorrow, still finding time to laugh at my alien.