You can only be defeated if you are at war.

I woke this morning yet again to a body filled with pain, I do still have a vague memory of actually waking feeling great and being able to get out of my bed without having to think about which limb I should move first and which one will be least painful. I am beginning to think I am never going to have even a minute of my life without pain somewhere. My left leg is still the worst and I am sure that a lot of that pain would be lessened if they could just get this issue of my cushion sorted out. I am sure that somehow I am causing damage to that leg regardless now of my position. Years ago I was told that I have the first signs of osteoarthritis in my hip so twelve years on I can guess that some of the pain is due to that, another thing that nothing can be done about. Some of the pain is due to my no longer being able to walk in a normal fashion as my left foot has dropped, a change in stride makes a difference that I hadn’t considered as a problem until recently, but they can’t do anything about it. I would actually happily give up my left leg, for someone to tell me that something that is wrong with me and they can do something about. Strange how you start to wish that if there was an operation, regardless how dangerous, you would let them do it, just to stop the pain, even if it was the pain in my left arm, or the one in my right shin, I would have one less pain to have to live with.

Until you have had to love with, pain or an impediment of some sort, you can have no idea what it is like to wake up day after day, knowing that the day ahead hold the same as the day before and that everyday to come will also be the same or worse, it is hard to understand what it is like. The closest I ever came to it was after my hysterectomy, then just for a few days I had a glimpse of how difficult it is to stand up, or to move without causing more pain, what it is like on the outside to be fine, but on the inside in pain, but even that was just a glimpse as it lasted a handful of days and for all of those days I knew it would stop.

Today the pain is no worse than yesterday, it’s just a bit more waring than normal, a bit more annoying, not for any reason other than it is. There is an element at times of things just grinding you down, not in a depressive way, but in a here we go again way. Like the feeling my may get some morning when you wake and realise you have to head to work. My work has become dealing with pain. I throw all the tablets they give me down my throat, they help a lot believe me but they can’t take it all away just the sharpest edges, the rest well that is the constant background of my life now. I have the meds to allow me to take more but the balance at the minute means my head is still clear and I can still live. It is a problem I have tussled with frequently yet the answer is always the same, an answer not a solution. In some ways the fact I am consumed in one subject pain is possibly a good thing as nothing else is distressing me right now.

I know this is the shape of the rest of my life and I am in a strange way now at ease with that prognosis, I have learned to accept the downwards track that my health is set on. Accepting and learning are totally different things from liking. I have seen to many people wasting their lives fighting what can’t be changed, you can’t fight an illness like MS, because you are then fighting your own body. MS exists in every cell of me and I can’t change it, what I can do and in many ways it is harder, but I can fight my attitude to it, learn how to live with rather than despite of it. I know what my body can now deal with and I make it do it for as long as it will, when it tells me that action is over for good, I then work on accepting it and working with what is left. MS can’t defeat me as I am not at war with it, we are enemies working together because we have to, if tomorrow it took away completely my left hand as it has done before, I can’t fight that, but I can work with it and around it.