I start today with some good news, you may remember that my daughter Teressa returned to the UK just a few weeks ago and her partner wasn’t allowed in and had to go back to the US, telling the truth caused them a lot of pain and they have done what they can to get back together with little luck. Being forced apart like this has though done little other than to make them realise just how much they do love each other and they are now engaged, the wedding is planned to be in either November or December, they hope it can be in the UK as John is going to apply for a fancies visa, so fingers crossed they will get what they have always wanted to just be together. Teressa phoned me last night to tell me before anyone else her news, like me this will be her second marriage and like mine I hope it will be her last. This time round she is going for the wedding dress and all the other timings, her first marriage took place just 5 days after her arriving in the US to see her then boyfriend, unlike now, neither of them had any money so there wasn’t even a new outfit, she married in jeans and T-shirt, they were happy for a short time but in many ways it was doomed to go wrong as they had very different values and could accept them, this time she and John have been living together for a year and they have known each other a lot longer. I was very touched by something she said and that she is already planned to find someone who can film it all on a web cam so that although I can’t be there I can see it all live at the same time. For this to have already entered her head far less her plans is so touching I don’t really have words for it, it has left me a little stunned.

It is major events like this that really leave me cursing my MS, I should be there, watching myself supporting her just as she supported me on my wedding day to Adam. I have made a life within what I can manage but to not be able to see your only daughter on her wedding day is out with anything that I can manage, especially with all the traveling, just getting to London would wipe me out for days, the day several days more and the journey home even more. It isn’t a real possibility just a dream that Teressa is already working on solving. No matter how positive a person you are there will always be hurdles that will destroy your ordered comfortable world by adding longing for something that can’t happen. I have for many years now tussled with this dilemma of major life time events that I am now excluded from regardless of whether I want to be there or not, I can’t.

I know I am lucky that it is only major events and not daily ones that effects me this way, as I am sure that it is those who feel it for daily things, like work, shopping, cinema or whatever are the ones who find chronic illness and being housebound unbearable. I wish there was a formula that I could put together to help them but I think it is something that is within me as a person, not just something I have created, that gives me that base to work around and build on. I can’t really imagine feeling like this everyday, about everything, I will with this sort it into part of my mind where I can build a productive shell to it and I do this with all events, spin was something I learned at work, I spent many hours looking for and adding a positive spin to figures, there is always a positive to find, already I am seeing one if it can bed done as Teressa has friends all around the world so if it is streamed on line it will mean all of them and not just me, will also be able to watch. It will also form a wedding video for them so the positives are starting to build already, give me time I will find many more believe me.