The past is repeating – fact

In the last few months I have been keeping notes about my left side of my body, I am not sure why, other than an intelligent guess that I have more lesions on the side of my brain that controlled that side, I have always had more problems with it. It was the complete loss of the use of my left hand that first forced me into staying at home and working from here until I was made redundant last year. With out any use of my hand for several months I couldn’t use my wheelchair and I still can’t as I have little strength in it to this day. It took the best part of six months to get enough use of it to not require the brace I wore throughout that time. I tried hard not to wear the brace more than I had to but my hand was safer when in it than it was just dangling around from my elbow, below that point I had no sensation or reflexes, it was a constant danger to itself, I leaned quickly that the braced and held by my other hand avoided unnecessary bruises and bumps. There had been little change in it for a long time, but I notices at the same time as the pain increased in my left leg, more and more of my left arm was loosing sensation.

The palm now is almost gone completely it is a strange sensation to watch my touching it and not feel the touch. When I make a fist the palm feels as though it has died and stiffened, muscles and nerves seem to cause strange feelings around dead areas. It would be like you holding a disc of hard plastic about 2 inches round in your hand and them making a fist round it. When making a fist my finger tips no longer actually touch my palm in the normal position, I can’t get them there, if you place your finger in my hand I wouldn’t be able to tighten my fingers round it, you would feel almost no pressure, the grip has gone for all practical purpose. Add in the constant strange slow pins and needles feeling also tells the story that the nerves are trying to spark with little success, this also happened the first time round. On the good side, although my finger movements are slower they are still there, but getting the right key on the key board without checking where my hand is I totally hit and miss. From the best point that it recovered to a few years ago it is now quite rapidly regressing, bit by bit it is dieing again, I was cutting an onion the other day and my thumb collapsed, I couldn’t grip with it, I also lost all strength in the muscles in my left upper arm. There is no doubt now in my mind that it is once again dieing.

That on it’s own would be bad enough but I have also started to get some of the milder symptoms in my right hand as well. What I can and cannot do is changing again. I have mentioned little bits of this in my posts from time to time but I feel that it is no longer something to keep an eye on but to document as a fact, my left arm is vanishing and my right has quite a few sympathetic symptoms. As long as I have enough strength in my wrists then I don’t have a problem that needs to be braced, it is when the wrist goes there is no option but to brace, as a hand that hands limp on your wrist is completely useless, I am wondering though if I should by a right hand brace in case as happened with my left, I wake one morning to a dead hand.

As I learned from the first time round there is nothing at all the medics can do, I remember the look on my Dr’s face when he found not reflexes, he sort of raised an eyebrow and said ‘well, yes, it’s dead’. He looked totally lost when I asked if there was anything that could be done and all he could say was we just have to wait and see what happens. That was it, I went home knowing exactly what I knew when I went in there, this also tells me that there is no point in even telling them this time. One more step written up and a start point in many ways for a written tracking of what the future might hold. Position now, just as before, wait and see what happens.