Desire

I seem to be running behind to day, one of those days that you just sort of loose what you should be doing as you keep drifting off into happy places were time doesn’t matter. I actually feel good today, that doesn’t mean that I am not in pain, far from it, but you don’t stop being human just because you have a Chronic illness. All of us have days like the one I have today, a happiness that is there just because it is, a happiness to be alive, a happiness to part of the world, no real trigger nothing that is about to happen, just simply in a good mood because I am. So many people seem to think that you loose the average human feeling when you are ill, there is a perception that we should be permanently depressed, continually on a downer, how can we laugh or smile, what do we have to be happy about, we are in pain, can’t go out, no parties, no outings, no life. Wrong!!!!

I may not be physically part of the wider world, but that doesn’t mean I am not mentally part of everything. I still know what is happening out there, I still feel all the things you do, I am still capable of understanding, of laughter and of love, the real changes are physical. Clearly there have been huge psychological impacts when major changes have taken place and I have screamed and kicked my way through, cried and mourned losses, been scared by dramatic situations were I believed there was no way back, but there is always still hope, always expectations of things being better. I have been ill now for seriously ill now for 12yrs always going downwards, if I had spent all that time psychologically in a downward path as well then true, I wouldn’t be a person anyone would be comfortable around.

I still have so much to live for, to share, to enjoy, new things to experiences and so much to learn and to discover, there is still wonders to see and exploration of knowledge to do. My life is so full, that the small problem of mobility has slowly become unimportant on the scale of my life. As long as desire exists, then life exists, I desire all those things and I am not going to let my health hold me back. Chronic illness is a destructive force that has to be balanced by what you desire still to do. As long as my desires out way the illness then what do I have to be on a downer for? In some ways I would say I am lucky, I have the time to peruse my desires and to share my life, to write this, be on Twitter and Facebook, to pursue my goals of breaking apart the myths that exist about MS, Chronic illness and being housebound.

I really now believe that there are just a few things required to survive anything, you must have balance, you must understand what is happening to you, you must have desires and passions, you must have goals and achievements, and you must have love. I don’t think these are isolated to me, I believe that they are the same things required to have a happy life for anyone, ill or not. If you have those things then it doesn’t matter what illness you have, what disabilities you have to deal with or how bad the pain is, there is still purpose and happiness to be found and enjoyed. I fight daily to hold onto all those things and if or when all of those things are impossible or overpowered, then will be the time to be a pain the butt to the entire world and live in a downer, the time to reassess my life. For now though I will remain that impossibly happy, polite, caring and loving person, who shouts about making and having a good, happy, life.