Some times I pick random post and read them again to see if things have changed from that point to now, it is easy for me to think everything is steady as it is like looking in a mirror you don’t notice that you may have lost or gained weight, I don’t notice the day to day changes and there seem to have been many more than I thought. I realised that the argument with Adam the other day and my declaration to him that I am no longer able to do things, was really the final step of many I have taken in the last few months. Slowly but surely I have been adjusting to that fact and saying so in different ways to different people, I just wasn’t telling the most important person, as that was the final act of saying I am no longer able to……..

I have always found that no matter how sever a symptom has become, it is easier to deal with, than this issue of your own self image. I have read and heard so many times that our own image of ourselves is actually very fragile and easy to damage, well they are right. I could come on here day in day out telling the world that this or that has happened, go into details of it’s effect and it’s causes and how I deal with it, that is nothing in comparison to telling the people you love the most, they are after all the people who affirm what we think, and feel about ourselves. I also had been realising to heavily on hoping Adam would read this daily, it gave me a way to tell him, without telling him. In fact of course he doesn’t read this every day and misses bit of it without meaning to, even if he had read it all I was still avoiding telling him, because that can actually only be done in face to face conversation, the written word doesn’t really contain the same impact.

Strangely yesterday and today I feel two things that don’t really go together, I am both calm and satisfied with thing, and on the other side I am totally numb and slightly lost. I suppose as I said yesterday I have to rebuild, it is starting that process that I have found in the past is an organic process, you can’t force it to happen, it just does. Next Monday Adam start two weeks holiday so I expect a lot of things will be discussed and sorted through then, I think I avoid the serious conversations as the time we actually have together is limited and I don’t want to spend it talking about upsetting things so I don’t, it is too easy to do.

Yesterday the kick back of the whole row started to show, my left leg was doing it’s best to prove to me just how painful it could get, believe me that is rather painful to say the least and yes I gave in to the spare MST tablet, it was needed and I am not stupid enough to go through pain like that when I have a solution. I also seem to have some bad tremors in my hands, these are the sort of things that always happen when I get upset so I suppose that is another good reason to avoid talking about them. If Adam is busy doing things on an evening I would normally stay at my computer as I do during the day when he is not here, but last night I actually had to move over to the settee as I just could sit on this chair any longer, the total range of positions possible for comfort had been tried and all were failing, so I had to move. When I spoke the nurse on Friday I asked her to order one of the blow up cushions I know is available, I have now been waiting over a month for the OT to come to the house to look at the problems I am having sitting and I hope the blow up one will work well enough until they eventually get round to seeing me. Nothing on the NHS happens quickly, I know they are stretched but in total with all the different departments I have been handed round a simple thing like a cushion in total has now taken 3 months and no solution. It’s crazy. I also spoke to her about the hospital appointment as the Dr had said it would take two weeks to get an appointment, and it would be another two weeks from getting the letter to the appointment date, well it is nearly 4 weeks and I still don’t even have the appointment letter. The post arrives here usually around 2pm so if it isn’t there I am going to phone the surgery again and speak to the practice secretary and see if she can chase it up for me. I have been living with this problem with my bowels for long enough it is time now that something is done about it.

This morning the pain in my leg is still bad and I am have a little bit of a problem with the fog again, I can’t really expect anything else in fact I am lucky that nothing worse is happening, I can see that today will be another of higher med levels but I wanted this written first, I’m foggy enough today without doping on top.