What’s next?

The worst of yesterday is now past, I think I find arguments so distressing as it really isn’t something I have ever gotten into, except with my first husband and as my daughter knows unfortunately, those were not funny. I now seem to have a built in defective position, one that I can’t escape and hurts majorly, as I wind myself up during them for the worst outcomes. Adam and I although we have been together over 14yrs can count our arguments on one hand, they just don’t happen.

For me I know why it got so out of hand and why I pushed him into a corner with a decide to fix it or decide to leave, it really is simple I am loosing more and more of me and I have less and less ability to do anything, if he wanted the world 100% his way well I can’t manage that, I need to know that my future is settled and as much as possible that I can count on him for ever as I at some point wont be able to sort anything out, as far as building a new life, I just won’t have those abilities. The extra pain of having to say that to him word for word that ‘I am no longer able’ and that he has to take over what I did was hard. It is one thing knowing it inside yourself, writing it here and a totally different thing to actually saying the words. I have let the cat out of the bag and I have no way of putting it back in, it is done.

When you have been a person who has stood on their own two feet and has been in control, a manager not just in work but in life, it is very hard to accept that time is over. I have often thought I have lived my life in fast forward and this is yet another example of that, I thought like all of us that yes this would happen but not until I was into my 70’s or older, I got there in my 50’s. Chronic illness changes things for everyone and this is just I know another example of that. We all tell ourselves that we will always be able to prove to everyone, including ourselves, that we can survive anything and we are the best at everything we do, we are strong, we are understanding and we will always be. I just took most of that and crushed it into nothing, and I did it in seconds. Yesterday was a day for running it through my mind a million times. It was the time when Adam and I reset the positions in our lives and reaffirm our commitment to each other and to making our partnership work, today is the time to heal and start accepting and rebuilding myself.

When I started this blog I didn’t realise just how much of my life I was going to be making public and a matter of record. What I have discovered is just how much of your life and person are actually taken over by MS or any other condition. Illness isn’t just the state of your health it is the state of your entire life and that of those around you. It is in many ways worse than a death, death is mourned with a slow move on following it, Chronic illness is mourned and again with a slow move on following, but it happens again, and again, and again, with every step down, with every change in ability the morning process repeats itself. What makes it bearable is the love of others and the love of the good times which have changed in there appearance but still happen. There are many positives but today’s positive might well be something that 10yrs ago I might not have even noticed. There are also positives in smashing the whole of your life into pieces and you have at least have the choice of how you arrange them on the rebuild. That is today’s task to start working out what the rebuild is, where are the boundaries are, the possibilities and the needs. I mourned yesterday, today I build.