Loss of myself

Today’s post subject is easy, not to write but to know what I have to say now. Last night Adam and I had one of our very rare arguments the subject well it doesn’t really matter that much as it was how it ended that was the important bit. Adam said something when he came home that was the trigger to our fight, he hurt me for the last time on the things I do just so he is happy, he questioned me but not with a question an accusation. I tried to ignore it at first, as I always do, but later on he said something in the same tone again and I blew up.

The trigger were the windows, we have always disagreed on when they should be open or closed and as a compromise I try to put up with them being open in the Summer and he tries to put up with them closed in the winter. His incorrect accusation was that I had just opened them before he came home and that they had been shut all day. It sounds stupid in some ways but I told him that I had the right when he isn’t at home to have the windows shut and that his exception me to have them open 24/7 even when he wasn’t there was not going to happen any longer. Slowly it expanded and I told him that if he didn’t like it he could go, but he had better be sure and to always remember it was his choice. I have never known him go so silent so quickly before. He realised that I was serious.

It didn’t end there, where it ended was my when I said that it had to change, everything had to change, our lives could no longer be Adam messes something up, but that didn’t matter does it, because Pam will fix it, Adams world isn’t perfect but that doesn’t matter, because Pam will fix it, Adam wants something and Pam will get it. That I wasn’t able any longer to fix my world, and I sure as hell wasn’t able to fix his.

He got the message, nodded his head and said that I had put it very well and he got it. We had to get to that point last night, we had to argue, we had to shout at each other, as we had to say all the things that were said as well, I think we had for far too long still been acting as though things have gone OK on the surface, so why admit it wasn’t OK below it. It hurt me terribly to admit that, to actually say out loud that I can no longer fix everything in our world, I can’t keep up with making things right, not just for both of us, but even for me alone. I am not able any longer to be that person. I am incapable of doing any of it, and he has to now step up to the mark and take it on his shoulders as I can’t. It was and still is an extremely painful declaration to have to make, but I do know that I had to, not just for Adam to see it, but also for myself.

Adam is asleep just now, but when I got up the kitchen was tidier and all the windows were shut. I am awake and still morning my loss of me, the china mask broke and fixing it well I don’t think I can, or really want to, I don’t have the energy to piece the bits, some to small to see back into place. I think I need to face life without it and at least now we both know it is gone.