The Zombie Fog

MS

My MS has delivered me today it’s favorite thing to try and cope today. It is one of those symptoms that varies hugely, ‘Brain Fog’ can be simple thin mist to a ‘pea-souper’ or as I think of it a thick custard and that custard is thick. I am having real problems keeping my brain in one place, I am flitting all over the place and typing is an interesting process, all I can say this thank God for spell check, without it I doubt you would be able to make any sense out of this at all.

There was a strange thing I caught myself doing a little while ago and I didn’t like it. On TV and in films you sometimes see people sat looking totally blank, zombied, for some reason they usually are sat their with their mouth hanging open, I was doing exactly that. Why? I can’t find a single reason for it. I don’t know how but I was staring into space and my jaw had dropped, as though the control muscles that normally hold your mouth shut had just switched off. one minute I was typing stopped to read what was on the screen and then suddenly I wasn’t doing anything, I had become that horrific image I have of people when everything has stopped, except the basics needed to maintain life. Clearly I pulled myself out of it but I am left with this fear that, that is how it starts, that it will happen for longer and longer spells until I can’t pull myself back.

I think that is my biggest fear and always has been from the day that I was told I had MS, this vision that I will be eventually a zombie that just sits there, having spasms and twitching. I expect that all of use with any type of illness that effects the brain fear that end, that is why I believe that we all have to stimulate our minds, especially when it doesn’t want to be. I may be wrong about this but I have been doing so from the point when my MS turned progressive and so far, as I hope is clear in my on line activity, I am still very much in control. Loosing more and more of myself is a scary place and I nor medicine are unfortunately unable to stop it. I accept the physical changes, as strangely they are reasonably easy to deal with, there is always a way round or a way to manage a physical problem but your brain, it is just a totally different thing. It isn’t just Self-determination, it goes further than that, we all fear that being locked inside a body that does nothing and not being able to make ourselves understood, what if it was the other way round.

You could say that would be a blessing if you didn’t actually have a mind that processed anything, didn’t know what was happening around you, or what people were saying, what they were doing to you, I agree. It is the getting there I fear, that slow loss, bit by bit, of me, until I am gone. It is that possibility that keeps me fighting to keep my brain active, of having things round me that trigger my memories. I can only hope, that I will not have that happen to me, and I can try to stay as ‘with it’ as I can. The question still remains which is worse the slow slip to being a real Zombie or the physical drop into a world were you are locked inside, either way there isn’t a choice.

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