Even pain can be comforting

And another weekend begins… I know it is Saturday as it is just after 10a.m. and I can hear gentle snoring, strange how soft snoring is a comforting sound but raise the volume and it makes you want to scream and hit the snorer. I suppose there are a lot of things in life like that, things that at one end of the scale is good at the other is really bad, you could say it about something a simple as sunshine it is nice to see and lift everyone spirit, but lift the temperature and we just pray it would go away,strangely even chronic illness can become like that.

After so many years of parts of me being numb, to realise you just felt pain when you banged into something is good, but when the pain stops being from an accidental source and start to come from inside, I start to hate it. There really isn’t any half way houses these day, things are, or they are not, but it hasn’t always been that way at the start different symptoms came and went and none were extreme just difficult to live with and difficult to always understand why, those are the ones that started the Doctors visits, trying to live with things that can’t be explained is strangely harder than living with what you understand. If you woke up in the morning to find that you left foot was numb, and you muscles in that leg ached, it wouldn’t take long, a few days, maybe a week, before you would go to the Doctor. But how would you feel if the Doctor then just dismissed it? That is what happens at the start, dismissal after dismissal, so you learn to live with things. Once you have a diagnosis all those symptoms you have lived with, fall into place. Over the years as they progress they get worse and others join in, without meaning to you start to rank them. You also get some odd ones that are actually fun in the short term, but if they persist extremely annoying, just like snoring.

If you can’t think of a symptom that is fun, then I will explain. I get on occasions what I can only describe as slowed down pins and needles. They are so slow that you can actually play with them a strange dexterity game if you like, a bit like one of those light box games were you press buttons to follow the pattern of lights given to you. Like that I can touch the point trying to follow the pattern laid down by my nervous system, if it follows a pattern I try to predict which point next it will move to. OK it is silly but when you are sat watching TV and the program isn’t that great, it is something to do while Adam watches the rest. Occasionally you do get comfort symptoms as well ones that appear as a total blessing, my left leg is always painful just occasionally the worst area goes numb and dulls the pain. I find it hared to understand though how the same area can be both at the same time, but it happens.

If someone had told my 20yrs ago that pain, numbness or pins and needles could ever be fun, a relief, a comfort or anything else than distressing, I wouldn’t have believed them. It just sounds nuts, but life with chronic illness is just nuts in general. There is nothing normal any longer, other than what was there the day before and there today, normal doesn’t stretch any further than that, I can expect something will be there tomorrow but I wouldn’t put money on it being exactly the same. I can’t tell you what starts something or stops it, some pains can be triggered but I know that is the Fibro element others I can be reasonably sure it is my MS, but others still, well who knows. every hour things come and from time to time something new happens, you can start a day well and end it in hell, there is nothing other than over activity that I know will change anything, but that is life and I have to live with it as millions of others do.