It is strange how much you get used to having you days to yourself, for the last few years I have spent the majority of every day and every year on my own, as Adam clearly has to work, when he is on holiday as he is now it all seems a little strange, his holiday only started on Friday and this is only Tuesday but I have had to check that twice today as with him being here it feels like a weekend, it is just a little odd. Another one of those things were logic says one thing and another part of my brain says another, but not in a scary way this time, just a normal reaction that anyone would have.
The living-room is now back to normal and it looks so much better as I knew it would. It is really hard to explain to others the things that lesions on your brain does to your thought processes especially when there is the perfect logic telling you the world is fine but the fight and flight side is shouting back everything is wrong and you should be terrified. There are loads of occasions where the my two sides of my mind argue over what is happening, that is were a lot of frustration comes from especially when trying to talk. I expect that a lot of people who develop speech problems find it difficult as part of me knows exactly what I want to say, but as I start to talk one of three things happen, it all comes out fine, I forget within the first few words what the next word is, or all words that I had lined up to say, or thirdly I start to stutter and get frustrated trying to get the words out.
For my entire Adult life until just 9yrs ago my speech, was vital to my income, I was luck as a child to have had vocabulary lessons, so I spoke clearly and with a little accent, any sign of an Aberdonian twang had long gone. In my first marriage not only was I married to an English man but I had lived for many 7yrs in England and when finally back in Scotland due to living on a Navy estate, I mainly still mixed with English people. The result of all of this was that most Scottish people would ask what part of England I was from. My first while waiting for my divorce was running a hotel lounge bar, I then went into sales, before returning to being a DJ not just in pubs and clubs but for a while on the Radio. When I chose to return to a more mainstream job I went into telly sales at first, then into operations management. All the way I had clear speech and a fast mind that was ready to answer or fill in any space required. Taking all this into account to suddenly find myself unable to bring two words together, well I think you can guess how I felt.
Strangers treated me as an idiot, they get quickly frustrated with me and that frustrates me more, making the whole thing worse. Speech is like many other things in life you take it for granted until the problems start. Adam being the person that I speak most to used to it and on the whole he is patient and doesn’t try to finish my sentence for me, occasionally he will. I don’t mind normally but if he is in a mood and start doing it to everything I say I get wound up and tell him so. Believe me I know how hard it is to resist completing others sentences, but when it is done to you 10, 20 times a day you land up being hurt in ways other wouldn’t expect. I know I slowly at work spoke less and less everything was done by email as it was the only way I could be sure that what I wanted to say was actually listened to other than completed incorrectly by another.
Stuttering is one thing, it’s annoying and difficult but worse still is when your mind goes completely blank, there is nothing there to follow the few words you have said. Every single one of you will have had that happen to you on occasion it is normal, our brains seem to find it funny to be able to completely embarrass us, mine has become not just embarrassing but scary, I don’t just do it every now and then, well unless you mean 10 or 15 times a day as now and then. I can’t imagine how it would be if I was to be with another person all the time everyday, I suppose it would multiplied up, but to find continually that your mind has suddenly gone blank and on occasion not just to the sentence you were about to say, but to be totally blank, no knowledge of what the conversion was about or why you were even talking. That is frightening. It is almost as though you brain went to sleep for a second and waking up, wiped it clear. To find yourself in that position repeatedly isn’t funny.
Whether we like it, mean it, or do it subconsciously we judge people greatly on how they talk. You can see a stunningly beautiful or handsome person, but if they open their mouths and sound anything other than what you expected your entire opinion will change at that instant. Having all my life received a certain reaction to find that it has change 100% can be hard. The cruelest thing about any disability is often not the disability itself but they way you are treated. Psychological pain is fixed with a pill and is harder to swallow than one as well.