I have been told many time in my life that I have a way with words and an ability to empathise with others, probably why I was a successful sales person but more than that it is something I can only explain has come from inside. I wasn’t always aware of it and to be honest the first clues that these where parts of my personality didn’t show themselves to me until I was 13 and I started at school to take ‘Drama’ as one of my subjects. I wasn’t ever selected to play the main roles in anything, but I was continually asked by the teacher to demonstrate with him how something should be said or acted, it puzzled me at the time. Why, if I was so good that I could teach the leads how to act or say something, why, wasn’t I playing lead? The answer was simple, my height, I towered over all the boys in the class, the balance on stage of a leading lady’s partner reaching to almost her shoulder at best, didn’t work. I only wish someone had told me that. Like so many other things in school I took it personally and gave up Drama the next year.
It is acceptable for teenagers to act irrationally and to storm thorough and out of situations at a speed of a tornado, because of my home life I was searching for approval, somehow that came across as being difficult to adults, well until I developed a vocabulary and the ability to combine it with action, then my rebellion changed and I did things that left my class mates open jawed at times, like the day I convinced my English teacher that I could put her out of her job, just by having a conversation with her, saving myself a punishment for not handing in homework on time. It became a game with me, a way of beating adults and standing my ground without being punished for it. During my first marriage this was beaten out of me and I became a somewhat small and simple individual who was inside always 16, as it often felt as I though I wasn’t allowed to grow up after we married. It took 10 years for the real me to wake up and move out and I spent the next 10 living the life I needed to to catch up and grow into an adult, but ironically less than 10 more yrs on I became housebound.
We all grow in different ways and at different speeds, but the talents that are inside of us all is to often not used or exercised. Outside of great friendships that I have had throughout my life my love of language and understanding of emotions haven’t really been used to any great extent, yes I have used both to help earn a living but until now I haven’t felt that they were being used for any real good. There was a comment that was left on yesterdays post that has prompted today’s, the first line is “Thank you for explaining the unexplainable to those who cannot hope to begin to understand.” On one level it is a wonderful complement, on the other it makes me realise that I still need to try harder.
I think we are all guilty of thinking that everyone around us can understand when we say I have pain, but why should they? It is like the conversation I had with my English teacher, I won because I had an unfair advantage, I knew in advance how to argue it, combining open and closed questions that lead to only one conclusion, she was boxed in, and couldn’t win. I know what my pain feels like, I live with it and it is part of me and just like that conversation you don’t have a hope in understanding unless I let you into every little bit of it. If anything in hidden the result will be a pointless ramble. A few have asked me do I really need to be so graphic, or to go on about the less palatable subjects, or even the socially normally undiscussed, well there is your answer, yes I do and if you truly want to understand you will read as short of a ‘Vulcan mind meld’, there is no way of letting you feel what life with an chronic illness is.
Somethings are easier to explain than all of you should find this one reasonably simple to grasp, I had a really good day yesterday! If I could have jumped with joy I would have! OK some of you might find my reasons basic but after the last few weeks I actually do feel I have something worth celebrating. When you live as I do, it is days like yesterday that are the points that make other things easier to deal with. Anyone will tell you that pain overrides everything and it really does, reading back the last couple of weeks post shows that clearly, I would actually go as far as to say that it changed slightly my way of writing. All the expression is dampened and the words I chose to use feel to me to be blanker, less alive, and that is something I stress constantly that I am alive, not just going through life. I think that is what makes being housebound more than just bearable for me, that I still can maintain the feeling of being alive. Jumping out of bed and greeting the day with joy, is not in my scope of activities any longer, more a slow slope upwards while my body accepts it vertical position and initially forced activity. Since Saturday I really feel that I have managed to sort out the pain meds and after the rotten weekend I managed to eat a bit more and hold on to it, such simple things, but simple thing are often the most important. No doped feeling tells me that I have settled to the medical compound of MST and it is holding the pain at the level I can live with comfortably. My Dr’s surgery is only open for a half day on Tuesday so I will leave it until tomorrow to call and have a chat about the dosage I am happy with, I can’t see why he would not agree but I always worry about conversations with medics, we all have an authority figure that stumps us and unfortunately for me it’s medics. Even though he withdrew all the medication for my bowels I am not getting any relief from the constant leakage apart from about 10hrs after I spent the night throwing up, but that isn’t a solution that I want to repeat. All in all though I feel more optimistic about the coming week and not as though it is a daunting obstetrical that is waiting to crush me, which is how the whole of last week appeared.