More than just break through

Sometimes when I start my daily post, I find myself sitting for a few seconds searching for the first sentence, the line to start my writing from. I didn’t find today’s hard so much as predictable, so I changed it. That doesn’t mean I’m not continuing the truth of my illness and my life, it was because I was trying to avoid once again starting with the subject of pain. I am sure if the pain is getting me down it may well be doing the same to some of you who read regularly.

We all have pain in our lives it is the unavoidable fact that go with being human, whether it is from small to major accidents, illness of just the simple headache and aches and pain, we can’t avoid it. The problem is all those things generally are short lived and extremely controllable with medication, why is that a problem? Simple it means we grow up in the belief that when pain appears, it can also be removed quickly and simply, there appears to be no reason for anyone to have to live with pain. That is as much a myth as that by a quick visit to the Dr when ill, you will walk away with a wonder drug as everything can be cured. I never imagined in my late teens and into my 20’s that pain could be like this, that every minute of everyday, pain eating away at me constantly. That there isn’t a pill to take, that will remove it entirely, yet here I am throwing pills down my throat with limited effect.

Yesterday morning I was hopeful that the 60mg dose would be enough even though I had a higher pain level, I thought that I would just have to let my body settle to the new drug and as the nurse suggested that I boost it with a few paracetamol tablets. Last night I realised I was kidding myself, I was sat watching TV not knowing how to sit, what position, where to put my arms and legs or how to reach for a glass, every muscle was screaming at me, feeling as though I had pushed their strength to there limit and more, pulling and damaging every fiber of them. I had taken my MST and the paracetamol and eventually I dived into a G&T as well. All I was waiting for was the point were I couldn’t stay awake, that was my only goal, sleep and escape, with a hope that said I would wake feeling better.

The morning brought no difference, I again took both medications and I again waited in hope for relief, the doped feeling of yesterday had actually improved, it was slight, but the pain wasn’t and I was clearly facing another day of hell. I took another 10mg of MST. Now, well now I am sitting here trying to distract myself from the milder, but still very much there pain, the sharper edge seems milder and the doped feeling isn’t actually as bad as yesterday. I don’t know now if this drug is working for me, but the other choice wasn’t a slow release, I would have to take tablets every 4 hours and that would possibly mean disturbed sleep, my only escape. I just don’t understand why the MST isn’t working and I am now wondering if I am absorbing it properly, but I must be getting something or I wouldn’t feel doped. I know it is just a matter of time and experimentation, once it is right I will be OK again, I just wish I didn’t have to go through the getting there bit!

Sorry for sounding so down today on the whole process, but it is only the process that is making me feel and sound this way. Everything else is how it normally is and I know I will as always find my way through this hiccup.