Morphine control

If anyone out there is thinking about changing from Oxycontin to MST, don’t do it! Sorry but I am not myself today, I’m not sure who I am but it’s not me. Last night I went for the lower dose of 50 but the pain was too much to cope with so back to the 60 after 2 hours and 60 was the dose first thing this morning. It may sound a little nuts to you if you are not living your life on Morphine, but I am really not wanting to take one gram more than I need, as it really isn’t any way to live. This doped, not quite there, mess that is in my head makes me want as I did last night, to just go to my bed and cry, I don’t know were or why the tears want to be there, but they are so close to the surface that even my normally poor control has vanished. I suppose that’s all it is, just a case of heightening that inability to my control levels.

Morphine is a great controller of pain and there is no doubt about that, but there is a price to pay and it is not something to be swallowed without knowing and understanding the price. I know I am well addicted to it, if magically a cure appeared and my MS was gone, I would be a Morphine addict and getting off it would be hell. Morphine has been part of my life now for about 6yrs, the dose slowly going up and slowly I get more and more hooked. I am never going to be free of popping pills that change everything about my life. As long as I can manage to live with the pain and the tablets are holding it at a level that means I can operate, i.e. sit or walk, I don’t want to take anymore than that. Yes I am sure I could get rid of the pain, take a higher dose I might be able to be pain free, a really nice thought, but that would be the price, thought, would I have any or would I have the ability to act on them. I have seen the victims of Morphine, that dead eyed body that accepts without any thought what is around them, nothing there, nothing that shows any real life, I want to live as a person not a zombie.
So I will put up with some pain as a pay off to having some life, I know that it is only the first 48hrs, so judging it is wrong, but it isn’t any fun and I don’t find it funny.

The nurse arrived as expected this morning and took my blood and spent a few mins to just go over everything with me, she made it clear that she doesn’t agree with the Doctor that I should stop all the bowel meds, I have to say I am not convinced either. I simply haven’t had any control and the leaking is worse as there isn’t any proper clearing. We discussed different options but I am going to see how everything goes through the weekend then make the decision on my MST levels and how I am coping with all the changes. I found out that my Doctor is off for his summer holidays for three weeks so I really have to have to sort everything in the next 10 days, if I don’t have it right I will have to deal with the other Dr at the practice, or a locum, having to go over all of the story from the beginning, I really can do with out that.

5 thoughts on “Morphine control

  1. I hate painkillers but know how much you need something when the pain is so acute you can’t function without them…had that after my ops on my back…allegedly the most painful operation in the world according to a consultant at the hospital where I had it done…oddly enough, painkillers usually block up your bowels, llw…sounds like something else is going on with your problem…no chance you’ve got a very bad infection in your gut is there? Diarrhea will mean passing through of undigested food and medication so that’s a real problem for you…do so hope a solution is found for you before your doc goes on his hols…you might find a locum though has a solution your doc has considered…does happen…;) Take care, llw, and hope you manage to have a reasonably relaxed rest of the day…GBHs to you…XXX

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  2. Not so good then. But, early days so far as your recent visit from your GP is concerned, and I so hope that you can find the right balance of the right medicines.
    As Jenny says another GP may have another idea which may work better, and I think you’ll be seeing a Consultant sometime soon, so I keep my fingers crossed for you ..
    -x-.

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  3. An infection seems unlikely as it has been happening for so long, according to my Doctor you can absorbed food but not other substances, that’s why he has changed me to MST as he thinks it could have been the carrying compound that I wasn’t digesting, the hope is I will this one. So far I’m not so sure. Guess it’s just time. πŸ™‚

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  4. It’s hard to hold the logic in place, that it will take a few days to get the dose right to kill the pain, when the pain is bad. It will get there and the logic will be back in place soon I know, just a few tough days to get through. πŸ™‚

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