If anyone out there is thinking about changing from Oxycontin to MST, don’t do it! Sorry but I am not myself today, I’m not sure who I am but it’s not me. Last night I went for the lower dose of 50 but the pain was too much to cope with so back to the 60 after 2 hours and 60 was the dose first thing this morning. It may sound a little nuts to you if you are not living your life on Morphine, but I am really not wanting to take one gram more than I need, as it really isn’t any way to live. This doped, not quite there, mess that is in my head makes me want as I did last night, to just go to my bed and cry, I don’t know were or why the tears want to be there, but they are so close to the surface that even my normally poor control has vanished. I suppose that’s all it is, just a case of heightening that inability to my control levels.

Morphine is a great controller of pain and there is no doubt about that, but there is a price to pay and it is not something to be swallowed without knowing and understanding the price. I know I am well addicted to it, if magically a cure appeared and my MS was gone, I would be a Morphine addict and getting off it would be hell. Morphine has been part of my life now for about 6yrs, the dose slowly going up and slowly I get more and more hooked. I am never going to be free of popping pills that change everything about my life. As long as I can manage to live with the pain and the tablets are holding it at a level that means I can operate, i.e. sit or walk, I don’t want to take anymore than that. Yes I am sure I could get rid of the pain, take a higher dose I might be able to be pain free, a really nice thought, but that would be the price, thought, would I have any or would I have the ability to act on them. I have seen the victims of Morphine, that dead eyed body that accepts without any thought what is around them, nothing there, nothing that shows any real life, I want to live as a person not a zombie.
So I will put up with some pain as a pay off to having some life, I know that it is only the first 48hrs, so judging it is wrong, but it isn’t any fun and I don’t find it funny.

The nurse arrived as expected this morning and took my blood and spent a few mins to just go over everything with me, she made it clear that she doesn’t agree with the Doctor that I should stop all the bowel meds, I have to say I am not convinced either. I simply haven’t had any control and the leaking is worse as there isn’t any proper clearing. We discussed different options but I am going to see how everything goes through the weekend then make the decision on my MST levels and how I am coping with all the changes. I found out that my Doctor is off for his summer holidays for three weeks so I really have to have to sort everything in the next 10 days, if I don’t have it right I will have to deal with the other Dr at the practice, or a locum, having to go over all of the story from the beginning, I really can do with out that.