I ended my post yesterday in a rather hurried and odd fashion which I apologies for, I have to say though I spent the rest of yesterday in that odd place. All evening I was still trying to work out why suddenly I was feeling and using the word normal in connection with something that is clearly not normal in any ones life. I know that it may sound like a really odd thing to get hung up on but it says a lot about how I am physiologically adjusting to everything, even something as horrid as constant bowel leakage. I don’t know where the acceptance point is but this one made it’s self known, there is so much in my life that due to my health is wrong I guess that if I didn’t adjust and accept I would be driven made. Think about it, if I accepted none of it and reacted to every pain, spasms or twinge I would be a gibbering wreck, all that happened yesterday was I caught the actual point. I didn’t find it upsetting that I wrote that or anything like that, I was just stunned and became fixed on it, meaning I could write no more.
The nurses have been and gone this morning but something happened last night that has thrown a whole new light on what is happening with my bowels, it has also added doubt to it having anything to do with my MS and the possibility that is something totally separate. I had been to the loo just before I lite my last cigarette of the day, I stood up lifted my glass and headed for the kitchen before going to bed, as I reached the kitchen door I knew that I had just messed myself again, I put the glass on the counter and headed to the loo. I discovered that what I had passed contained a whole tablet, clearly there on the toilet paper, I could even tell from it’s size and colour that it was my 15 mg Oxycontin tablet. They are slow release tablets so they are meant to continue releasing their medicine as it travels through me, but not that slowly, or possibly quickly, I take two each day one in the morning at 8am and the other at 8pm, which ever it was it shouldn’t have been there. The nurse immediately said Malabsorption, the cause and the effects depend on what the cause is which it appears are extremely wide and varied. Yes I have done a quick lets look it up and scare the hell out of myself session and it didn’t scare the hell out of me, it just confused me more. I have to say I am glad the doctor will be here in the next couple of hours, leaving me no time to really think to much about it. It would explain the problems that I have had for the last few months when it comes to controlling my pain levels. If all my medication is going through to fast or not absorbed, well the result is pain for me regardless of the quantity that is going into me. despite that there is one big thing that doesn’t fit, I have been gaining weight totally uncontrollably for months now, all I read said the opposite should happen. I am not at all surprised by this, my body has always had a habit of inventing new things to put me through, finding another one, well that is my life.
What ever the Doctor thinks this is, I am clearly going to have to see another specialist and there lies another problem of getting me anywhere. I know there is no point spending to much time reading or worrying, the whole process of diagnosis of my MS taught me that, I just have to wait and go through the system in the way it works, there is no way of speeding things up or changing the process just for me, as they won’t. If my GP wants me to see a specialist it will be weeks to wait, then the organisation of getting there and back is a nightmare. In someways it might just be an idea for me to stay in hospital for a few days and let them pull me to bit, fix my teeth and give me the list of what to expect next. Just like yesterday I am totally numb about the thought of something else to deal with, something else to be fixed or not, it kind of feels expected and that word again ‘normal’.