I am on my way back.

I am behind on everything today as the visit from the Nurse took longer than I expected. She arrived slightly later than I expected and also had another nurse with her, the first surprise of the morning. I had already decided that I was going to be direct from the start and that I was not going to be pushed in to something I wasn’t happy with or had already been tried and failed. We spoke for quite a while as I took her thorough the whole story, right back to when I called for help from the Rehab team. She did seem to have arrived with an agenda but I had one too. She tried several times to jump over some of what I wanted to say but I wouldn’t let her. I explained how I felt about her coming here every second day and that it wasn’t about the actual treatment but, the start of having to have someone else assist with my daily care. She tried to reassure me that they would intrude on my life as little as possible, I answered that one and what I said seemed to be the light bulb moment for her, I told her the truth, she could be here for a second or the whole day, it was the fact that anyone was having to be here at all.

We talked a bit longer about the actual treatment she had brought with me and what it should do and how it should help, as to how or who is going to actually give me the treatment that is a little up in the air. She has given me the first treatment of a micro-enema, it is a small plastic tube with just 5mls of liquid. The effect hasn’t been much of a success, I lay on the bed and we chatted for a while, after about 10 mins I asked her if I should be feeling anything by that point, she looked at me and I knew I was going to give her the answer she didn’t want, I wasn’t feeling anything. I went to the loo with virtually no success, she said that for some people that was normal and that later there will be a total clearing of my bowel, so I am waiting. I have here all the stuff she brought me a bag of blue plastic gloves, a box of the enemas, and some gaze pads, when she calls in the morning we will discuss what happens next.

The plan is to use the enema every second day for a week then see what the effect is, I think because of how clear it is that I find this an upsetting process she was deliberately vague about whether she will be here to administer the next dose or if I am to try myself. I have to say though that having had the opportunity to actually talk over the whole subject I do feel a bit better, on Tuesday the nurse that was here had left me lying on my bed in tears and let herself out, today I saw them out and I wasn’t crying, I had control. It may sound a little odd, but just the fact that I let them in and I saw them out, made me far more comfortable, and is leaving me feeling more positive about the future process, what ever it is and who ever has to assist with it or not. That final act though has some how made a big difference, on Tuesday everything happened to me and I was left to get on with the residual damaged physiological punch that had be delivered. Today I am waiting, the normal patient condition but waiting with my dignity healing slightly but still bruised.