Dark before more dark

This morning I woke with that puffy eyed feeling that told me my day of on and off tears was still visible to the world. I had gone through the afternoon having a few drinks and distracting myself with mindless games on my PC. I did go to my bed as normal but I wasn’t able to sleep, lying there I was making things worst as my mind was running through the most hellish imagined future it could find. As tired as I was when I heard Adam unlocking the door I got up as I wanted to talk it all through with him. He came in as he often does in a foul mood, I know I just have to let him come in and bang the odd door whilst mumbling away to himself. So I waited in the living room, eventually he came through, flung himself onto the settee and in seconds he was snoring. I have never seen anyone go to sleep so fast, I just couldn’t believe that I told him on the phone at lunchtime, he then came home, said nothing, and went to sleep at record speed.

He woke an hour later, still saying nothing, I asked him when he was going to go to get the prescription from the chemist for the Oxycontin, I had spoken to the Doctor on Monday as I had almost completed the two week trial, and we agreed to the actual dose increase. The prescription arrived in time as I had enough of it for last night but I needed it for this morning. I had of course discussed all of this with Adam, just as we had talked about the whole trial and why it was being done that way, but he snapped at my ‘You didn’t tell me you needed it’, we had talked this through so many times but he apparently hadn’t listened to any of it despite us actually talked about it on Monday evening. I have to admit I lost it, there was no calm discussion just an argument, I added then what had happened in the morning and why he hadn’t said anything, other than a snore. He said he didn’t think it was a problem. I think to stop the argument going further he announced he had to go if he was going to get to the chemist before it shut.

I sat there, tears running and lost as to what was going on in his head. He seemed from my point of view to have not listening to anything I have been telling him for the last few months, and although he has said he reads my blog, there was none of it in his head. He was gone for an hour and came back with nothing the chemist was shut. He promised he would get up early and go before he went to work. We then actually talked, no argument, no raised voices, just talk. He couldn’t see or understand at first what was upsetting me so much, when I said it was the start of the end, he was even more lost as to what I was talking about. I tried again and eventually it clicked, he saw that by having to let anyone do for me what I couldn’t, that an outsider coming here for any reason, was the point where things change from me or us, to who ever can deal with it, and that was the beginning of the end.

We talked it through and the tension and anger of earlier was gone, the reason of him not understanding or remembering was pointless to peruse, somehow it had happened, what matters now is that we sorted it and we are saying the same things for the same reasons again. Settled again we returned to our normal life, accepting of where we are. In a strange way this morning I am glad it all happened the way it did. There has been a lot lately that has felt brushed over or aside, breaking that has cleared the air and I again feel more secure in our relationship. I love him so much that any argument like last night hurts, but clearly they can be good as well. This morning as promised he fetched my tablets and there was no tension at all. All of last night was probably 99% me, I was feeling so sorry for myself that I expect simply expected that he would understand it without any words from me.

The phone just rang while I was reading this back and it was the Surgery Nurse, she is coming to see me tomorrow morning at 10am, she has an idea that she want’s to try. There is apparently a different type of enema which is in a longish tube that I might manage myself. You would think that this would fill me with joy, it doesn’t. I hope it does work but I at this second have no faith in her idea. She tried to tell me that I was constipated, despite my telling her I am actually the opposite and have been for years several time, she then said so you have a blockage, I tried again, she then suggested stronger laxatives, she wasn’t listening. I had the feeling that she has an idea in her head as to what is happening and what I am telling her doesn’t fit so she is ignoring it. So tomorrow I will let her in and I will talk to her and I will try her idea and we will see, but she to me has no idea of what the problem is. A ten minute phone call and all the relief and acceptance I had started to sort out is back in pieces.