It has arrived, the day when I had to face the fact of what I knew would happen, is happening. I have just poured myself a malt Whisky, no I am not celebrating I poured it simply because I feel I need it. I don’t normally drink alcohol before 6pm but this isn’t a normal day, because to day is the day that I have lost my total independence. I have been trying to prepare myself for this as I knew it would eventually happen but like most things, you don’t know how you will feel until it happens.
The continence nurse arrived this morning as I expected and we started to go through the process of seeing if I could manage the suppositories or not. It all sounded easy enough and I had questioned the need to have someone show me how to do it, I now know why they wanted a nurse here. The first hurdle was just getting them out of their container, they are sealed in plastic pods, not a pop out sheet. The pods are open enough for you to pull the two sections apart, first hurdle, first problem. Separating the two sides was really difficult but I managed to split the top open and then had trouble with the strength needed split it completely to remove the cover, today is a good day but I couldn’t do it. On a bad day I wouldn’t be able to split the two sections at all, but that is a hurdle not a battle, I could ask Adam to take them out for me before he goes to work. Then I had to get a small bowel of water, set it on my bed with me lying beside, curled up to allow me to put the suppositories in. once wet they are slippy and I had trouble holding it but that didn’t matter as I simply couldn’t get my arm anywhere near where it needed to be. I can’t even put a simple thing like a suppository inside me, oh and to add to this I had messed myself as I climbed onto the bed.
The tears ran and the ran freely, this one simple act had now condemned me to having a district nurse coming to my house every couple of day. I now have a carer as I have no choice, a simple act that everyone take for granted and rarely even thinks about, emptying my bowels has defeated me. The nurse stood beside me and mad comforting noises and completed the job for me. She was sweet enough and made what she thought were the right noises, but I don’t think she knew the devastation that was and still is happening in my mind. She told me that she doubted before she even came to the house that I would be able to do it, her experience was now being confirmed. I know I said something about it just being yet another thing on my list of uselessness, then jumped to how to get round this. I think there must of been a begging tone to my voice when I said I really didn’t want to ask Adam to do this for me, as she quickly jumped in with what she thought was reassurance by saying that the district nurse would visit every couple of days.
She left me lying on my bed waiting for the suppository to work, saying that she was going to talk to my doctor and sort out the calls from the district nurse. She checked that I was OK and let herself out of the house. So here I am, sat typing, drinking whisky, chain smoking and felling defeated by the world. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself, and I am wallowing, but at this second in time that is what I need to do.
I have a lot of adjustment to make it seems, I have to allow a stranger into my house two or three times a week, to stop long enough to insert a suppository and then leave me lying on my bed. I have to allow my dignity and my Independence be violated because I have no choice, because my MS has done so much damage to me, that the simplest animal act that we all do even before birth, is now impossible for me to do by myself. Well I promised that I would only ever give the truth in this blog, for today this is the truth, for today I feel defeated and a bit lost, as I can see no options or possibilities, and I can’t stop myself wondering what will be next. How many times will I eventually have nurses entering my home and how many decisions will they be making for me as I have no choice. Today I’m not as happy as normal, but I also have no intention of being defeated, I just need a few hours of being lost.