The Vanishing

I always love the morning after shopping day, that moment when I open the fridge for the first time that day and the wonderful smell of fresh salad and fruit hits me. It never smells the same until the next shop has passed, I could go and open it now and well it smells like a fridge. There are thousands of things in life that have to be at the right moment for them to work, or have an impact, that moment is gone quickly and will only reappear when the conditions are right again. An example that I expect is universal is that moment in December when all the decorations are up and you turn on the Christmas lights for the first time. That magic is then used and by the time you take them down in January, you are pleased to see them gone.

I hope that you are getting the idea I am planting here and that the transition from nice to nasty won’t loose your understanding, what those experiences show is how quickly we accept something being there and how quickly we ignore it. I wish I could say that for everything but I can guarantee to you that in a strange way, you also get used to living with pain. I am not saying that the pain goes away slowly and becomes less painful, in no way is that something that happens. What does happen though, and very quickly without knowing you are doing it, you adapt your actions to protect yourself from more pain than necessary.

For the last few weeks, well a couple of months really, I have had greatly increased pain in my lower legs, last week I bit the bullet and I called for an increases in my meds, a week on I can say that there has been a change for the better, my legs are less painful and so is a pain in my side. I know I never mentioned that pain, but I didn’t mention it as I think it crept up on me, without my noticing. I have only really noticed it, as it has disappeared. Because of the pain in my legs I had changed the way that I stood up. From here at my desk I can swivel my chair and for a long time I have used the desk to push myself up. With the pain in my legs being so much worse, I had change this and leaned more into the desk than normal transfecting more of the effort of standing to my arms, and without realising, I was also pulling on the muscles on my side. They had started to hurt but blurred into the general mix. The first time I stood this morning at my desk, I realised my side didn’t hurt.

I think this gives a small insight to how once you live with pain you gauge those pain levels, I notice more that a pain missing, than I do when a new pain appearing. Finding those pain free areas to me is like you trying to find something that right now, is hurting. It is as though my world is turned on it’s head and all my pain receptors are so flooded that a blank area is confusing, surprising and so odd that it loudly announced it, just as a sudden pain in you body would be announced to you. Unfortunately like opening the fridge, the same wondrous lack of pain didn’t last and standing without it again feels, well, normal.