If it wasn’t for writing these posts everyday I don’t think I would know which day it was or even which month, what is happening outside my home sort of floats past unnoticed. Everyday I probably watch more news broadcast than most and I am totally up to date on current affairs but that isn’t the world I am talking about, the big events are always clear and there, I know about them but they could equally be on any day of any month and slowly I could actually add into that, any year. When you no longer work and no longer have interactions with those outside you family, the world becomes blurred and days irrelevant. When someone asks me now when did that happen or how long ago was that, I get lost. I have to run through major events that I know the year, off to try and work out dates, for example we married in 1991, bought this house in 2000 and then the problems start, there appears in my head now to be little definition on any year after that, which when talking to medics as I have said before.
I’m not worried about it, but it is the fact that my brain has mixed thing up so I can’t remember when things happen, and then seem to have added the ability to not care about it. Loosing my memory used to really scare me, I have seen on TV so many distressed people with memory loss that I feared it, more than I did pain. I somehow seem to have landed up, for now anyway, in a sort of comfortable bubble where it really doesn’t matter, a sort of, so what world. The whole process is the exact opposite of how I thought it would be, I was a business analyst so facts, figures and timelines were everything, I could run off figures and dates without any thought and now I have to think hard to workout if it was yesterday, or last week and I do it without any distress at all.
I have tried to workout why it should be, like this and the only logical reason I can find goes back to my nest theory, my world with in our home. Life here is sedate, quite and unstressed, safe and embarrassing, nothing in here can stress me. Forgetting things is just a little frustrating at times, but doesn’t cause anxiety. I had heard before that people with alzheimer’s benefit from removing the stress around them, so maybe it works for the memory problems from MS too, or maybe it’s just the drugs.