‘Can I?’ or ‘Should I?’

As some of you found, I had started a third blog but I haven’t been able to added anything in the last couple of days. I have thought a lot about it and for the moment I don’t think I will add anymore. The first couple of days I enjoyed noting down everything and I really did think that I would continue as it was a possibly good way of helping me remember details of my days, some which might help when it came to details asked for by the medics. There was one problem thought that I hadn’t allowed for, I am not ‘Super Woman’. The constant remembering and having to think of ways of writing things, turned into a step to far and I was coping, I had pushed myself into doing too much on a daily bases, without having enough hours in the day to do it. It has been a bad habit of mine through out my life, I just added in one more small thing and then another until I had to stop and think things out what was actually in reality possible. It used to take me a few months to hit overload, my MS has change that to just a few days.

I think we all take on too much form time to time but it is to me just another source of frustration. I have adapted to the limit of physical work I can take on, but it now seems that I have to be careful about the amount of mental work as well. I haven’t mentioned it for a while as I am truly fed-up with it, but I am still job hunting. Everyday I look and I apply, the only ones who seem to come back to me are the ones who haven’t bothered to read to the end of my CV, where I make my housebound situation clear. When they phone and I talk with them, I can now actually hear the change in the tone of their voice, pissed of recruiters tone. Each of those calls end in the same way, with promises of keeping me in their files and that they will contact me if something suitable comes in, I have never heard back from one of them. The longer I am without work, the more I wonder if I could actually work in any job that had the same pressures and deadlines as my last one. I feel more and more as if I am looking for a job purely for the money and I don’t like that. I have always been passionate about the things I do, nothing for me is done properly unless it is as close to perfect as possible. I fear I would be limping to the goal post rather than sprinting past it by a mile. If only blogging could supply an income I would be happy, as I know I can still do this.

All of us at times in our lives have a hard questions of ourselves and things we have to admit or accept, but when it comes to having to ask yourself the same question each morning, can I do today what I did yesterday, you realise that the question may have to change from can I, to should I. I have always found a way to survive, to make ends meet and I am sure that I will again, the responsibility of paying the mortgage and all the other financial pressures of life, are ones that anyone with a chronic illness shouldn’t have to worry about. Unfortunately that’s fantasy and this is reality.