Brain fog or custard

I’m find it hard today to hold onto a thought for too long, this often happens but it is always a strange feeling. I have spoken about MS brain fog before but I haven’t tried to describe it before other than to say you forget things, well that is a long way from the full picture. Brain fog it may surprise you to know, doesn’t just effect your brain.

When I try to sit here and work out exactly how to explain it, it gets harder to explain by the minute. My whole head is engulfed as though it doesn’t end at the skin, there is a force field surrounding it hovering three or four inches from my actual skin and it is gently put pressure on my brain, in a fashion which I can only describe as controlling. Just writing this has already produced several examples of the confusion it causes as doubts on spelling are seeded and grow all the time. Take the word whole, I just had to Google it to check which is right, hole or whole, the more I tried to find the answer the more the doubt seed grew. I can trust nothing I do as done without double checking it a few minutes or sometimes seconds later. I have to stop typing and check other pages that I have open on my computer often mid sentence, with no real reason other than they have caught my eye and I need to look. Returning to this page then means I have to read over what I have written so I can continue, but following the lines on the page take moving the cursor over the words otherwise I get lost. Concentration is a trial, something that you know exists but you can’t find.

My eyesight feels tunneled, although it isn’t, but there is a sensation of blinker being there but not excluding sight. Hearing is fuzzed at the edges, voices sound mumbled once they enter the sponge that is over the sides of my head. No part of my head is free a strange triangle from the bridge of my nose extends to under my chin that is tingling and edged with numbness. Within the triangle there is often a feeling that the area has actually disappeared and nothing but a space remains.

To call this fog makes it sound simple and not really that bad, as though the only effect is a slight slowing down, while you find your way through it. I think custard would be a better description, thick sludgy and covering everything, you can scrape a space and create normality for a few second but as you know with custard it slowly refills the clearing you made. Once you have lived with this feeling for a few years you know what it is and it will clear returning to normal service until the next visit. The first time makes you panic, convinced that you are going mad and convinced this is the end. Maybe one day it will come to visit and stay at which point I may stop blogging as if I wasn’t mad before I would be driven so, getting from the first to the last word to type would get me there.