The bogeyed monster

I know that times I am guilty of coasting in life, I think we all are, last night thanks to one silly little thing, I got a kick up the backside that I may have needed. With me out of work Adam and I had decided that the normal gifts we would give each other were out of the window, that’s part of why I wrote the post I did yesterday, I know he reads these post and with no physical gift, I could send it in words. Adam in the past had always sent me a large bouquet of flowers that were delivered during the day, last night he came home clutching flowers but not an expensive bouquet, flower that actually meant much more. He had gone and selected bunches from the florist of white flowers I like, Adam I think, saw it as cost cutting, I saw it as a hundred times more romantic and thoughtful. I couldn’t help letting a tear slip and my bladder joined in. As I tried to get to the loo I also got angry. It was another one of those moments when I didn’t need reminding I’m not in control, MS is, thanks a lot.

That is another one of those things that MS really does have an art of doing and rarely fails to succeed on, taking the good moments and turning them round on you. So I’m not coasting any longer, I’m fighting and if you don’t like it MS, get lost. It’s OK I know getting angry does nothing positive but it does put the fight back into my daily life and makes me manage things more. Taking charge is what got me this far I am sure, being human I forget occasionally, but normal service is now restored. I do need to find the telephone number for the nurse as I still clearly haven’t got control over the problems with my intestines as I wouldn’t have been in the pain I was through Sunday night right into yesterday, so that’s on my to do list, along with several smaller things that I noted earlier.

After so many years of living with this slimy, bogeyed monster that I would have got the measure of it and learned not to turn my back on it and act as if it wasn’t there. Clearly I haven’t! I think it is one of the problems with any long term illness you get so used to it being there and forget that it shouldn’t be there at all. I suspect we all have things that fit that bill and all of us just fit them into our lives without thinking about it and without realising there are other options. When I didn’t know what the cause was of all my problems, I made adjustments without thought and without question, no one could help me and no one listened. Now I know and I still at times seem to make the unconscious decision to let it win because it is easier, I suppose that makes me human.

I know that in the future there is a day waiting for me when the fight will be out of my control, when simple choice will no longer exist but I hope it is still a long way off and while it is, prepare for war.