Emotionally tired but happy

Today is a strange one, I really don’t know what I feel about anything if that makes sense to you, then please explain it to me. I woke up with snoring in one ear and an alarm clock in the other, probably not the best start but not as bad as it could have been. Adam woke me at around 4am when he decided to come to bed, normally that is a really bad thing for him to do, as last night just like any other, when he opened the bedroom door I woke up. Normally that is the end of my night sleep, I either can’t go sleep any more that night as I am awake, or he will start snoring and I won’t be allowed to sleep. Last night luck was on my side, I actually remember him getting into bed, then treating the mattress as a trampoline for a few seconds, before at last lying still. Strangely the next thing I remember was the unholy duo of man and clock, jumping me into the start of the day. I have never understood how he can ignore the clocks beeping without the slightest sign of having to switch it off, the first beep makes my want to throw it across the room, the knowledge that it is attached to the wall by a flex always ends that beautiful thought.

Getting out of bed and into my nightdress and dressing gown is always a painful process and by the time I had managed to turn on my PC, the TV and the kettle, my leg and arm muscles were as normal complaining. Some people still find it hard to understand that this is the daily stumbling block that stops me getting truly dressed as most other people do. Coffee made, cigarette lit, medicines taken, I unlocked my PC, the day was begun as always and as always while my brain accepted the demands I was making on it I managed to skim through my email, deleting most as I went. I had selected the photo and started writing my first post of the day when Mr Happy joined me in the living-room, mumbling as he crossed the room to open the curtains. It is at moments like these that I find it hard to remember that he is 17 years younger than me and totally fit and healthy. His mood wasn’t much improved when he reappeared minutes later dressed and with wet hair, announcing that the water pressure was low and the shower wouldn’t work, so he had had to throw water over his head with a cup to flatten his hair. Adam dispatched to work with a kiss, my first post complete and I set to eating a slice of bread stopping half way to take the rest of my tablets. Post two is interrupted by the need of coffee, while in the kitchen I sorted out the final morning medicine and opened the dishwasher to let the final moisture evaporate.

So now here I sit, feeling rather numb, even slightly blank and nothing different about today to cause me to feel like this. I smiled throughout writing about my cat Cleo and my daughter, I was happy thinking about the joys of eating chicken skin, but even then there was a dullness behind it all. I am overly aware of the normality of everything and the safeness of it all.

Over the last few days thanks to talking with Tracey I have been going over and reliving some of the mad and actually dangerous things we used to get up to together. It is strange how at the time you see things as just a bit of fun, or something daft to do, then look back at it and wonder how on earth we didn’t land up dead. I had strange friends, strange jobs and stranger still lifestyle, I went places and met people that when I have told others about since, I could see either doubt or disbelief on some of their faces, I had let go of nearly all of it not long before I met Adam. I needed those mad years and I let it go when I was ready, my life is now so quiet in comparison but remembering the past over the last few days has left me a little emotionally numb.

MS has clearly changed every plan we had ever made about our lives, I have found a happiness and security with Adam as my constant companion which nothing could replace, but memories have a power all of their own, some good, some bad and some, just there. As simple as my life sound these days it still manages to drain me, if I could actually get out side these walls I really have no idea what I would do, there is nothing out there any longer that I need and nothing in here that I don’t have.